thinglets: Film-A-Month Faves For 2010 (Part Two)

And so to complete my Film-A-Month Faves for the 2010 year. (Part One Picks here) No doubt they'll differ with yours, which should be all the impetus you need to go out, do some research, and discover why I'm right. The second half source of the film picks is provided by themovieinsider.com.

July

Tons of summer blockbusters and feelgood flicks for one and all in July. There's a Tom Cruise action yarn in Knight & Day, a kooky Steve Carrell comedy in Despicable Me, and a pretty good looking dark sci-fi pic in Inception. Yet even with all the big blockbusters that will probably take home the green, the film I'm waiting for is The Last Airbender.

If you've never seen the anime series entitled Avatar: The Last Airbender, (I know. Get used to it.) then you need to download, borrow, or buy the three seasons of one of the most captivating cartoon story arcs to come out in years. I never thought I'd like the style, but was quickly drawn into the mythos and the characters. I really want this film to work, and am both excited and scared shitless to see M. Night Shyamalan at the helm.

There's also a Predator reboot, a fantasy film with Nick Cage, another Fockers film, and a spy film with Angelina this month. Great time for credit roll theater sliding.

August

August holds what could be a funny comedy concept that will be destroyed by Will Farrell, a voyage of self-discovery by Julia Roberts, and Paul Bettany playing a warrior/priest. And my film pick of the month is probably the most cliche pick for a guy my age: The Expendables.

I've been waiting for a film like this for years. Although they've sprinkled in a few too many still viable stars for my liking, this Stallone vehicle is sure to walk away with the exploding cake this summer (I don't even know what that means). If Arnold wasn't pretending to be a politician. he would've been perfect in this. As it is, Stallone, Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren and Mickey Rourke... that this film even got made without one of them stabbing another is beyond me. Got to see it!

September

Okay. I'll say it first. September 2010 sucks for films. If I wasn't up to my neck in nine months of this list already, I'd just say stay home and get ready for hockey season. But since I've made the commitment, and I'm under the impression things will suck anyway, I'm going to use this opportunity to break a cardinal rule and see an Adam Sandler film. Actually, my hopes are high in that Sandler wrote this film, but does not star in it.

The premise for Born to Be a Star actually looks pretty funny: a young man discovers his parents were porn stars in the 70s and heads to the big city to echo their successes. Although I've given up on Adam Sandler films being much beyond a premise and coin flip these days, this premise could win with head or tail - although it does have the Pauly Shore factor to overcome.

October

I didn't think September's suckage could be topped, but October comes close. With a handful of fluff releases including Jackass 3D and Saw VII (I ain't makin' this shit up), and a film that I probably will eventually see in Red (Bruce Willis and Morgan Freeman), my October pick is (cringe) The Social Network.

It's not that I really care too much about Zuckerberg and the Facebook story, it's just that they had to go and get Aaron Sorkin to write the screenplay and David Fincher to direct it... hell, if Sorkin and Fincher worked on Jackass 3D, I'd go to see it instead. I imagine the story will be heavily embellished and likely disappointing for many, but I do like Jesse Eisenberg as "the other Michael Cera" in most films.

November

Movies in November that scare me because they've got tempting elements, but otherwise repulsive qualities: Megamind (+Brad Pitt, +Tina Fey, -Will Ferrell), Unstoppable (+Chris Pine, +Denzel Washington, -plot), Red Dawn (+nostalgia, -sacrilege). And I'm not going to see the new Harry Potter, but am afraid if I trash it, some Hogwart's geek will cast a virus spell on me. My pick is Due Date... and hear me out on this one.

It has Robert Downey Jr. and Zach Galifianakis in what looks to be a reworking of Planes, Trains and Automobiles. Now I know that this could be a bomb of epic proportions, but to see these two together on screen could be comedy gold.

December

Almost a full year away and the 2010 Film-A-Month Faves picks ends with a tough pick between two nostalgia winners: Tron: Legacy and The Green Hornet. Here's the thing... I'm expecting less out of the The Green Hornet because of the Seth Rogen pick. I hope he does a great job, but we already know that while this might be a fun film, it's not going to be a Dark Knight. Tron has more potential to disappoint me because of the regard I held for the original film during my childhood. I know that I will see both of these films, but if I had to pick one, it would be Tron - not because I know it will be better, but because I think it has the potential to be.

This also means I'll probably be relegating the next chapter of The Chronicles of Narnia to the rental pile, but so be it. If Aslan doesn't like it, he can come and get some.

P.S. December film I will NEVVVVER see... Gulliver's Travels starring Jack Black (shudder).

So that's it. Film-A-Month Faves for 2010. Let me know if you agree or not. And remember, Hollywood films set revenue records in 2009. If you wouldn't pay to see a film in a theater, but some friend has a pirated Russian download on their screen... give it two minutes, or twenty... maybe you'll go and see it in the theater... or not... in which case nobody lost anything because you would never have seen it anyway.

Filed under  //  2010   airbender   downey   expendables   greenhornet   movies   tron  
Comments (0)
Posted

lovehate: The 3D Movie Resurrection

I know that some people are split on the entire 3D "thing" that has blown up with films over the past couple of years (especially animated ones). I mean let's face it, we're touting technology that has been around for well over half a century in film and longer than that outside of film. Detractors will decry being forced to wear glasses which may be ill-fitting or otherwise poorly-designed. Some people get queasy upon the assault of visual images assaulting their cerebral cortices (alright brain geeks, tell me what part of the brain it really is). Some people just don't like paying an extra three bucks to see the 3D versions of the films that their friends drag them into.

Is the 3D experience really any better than the 2D - hell no! Sure it's different, but if 3D was the "shit", why they hell wouldn't all films go there? At one point the 3D film was a fad, and a production company could bank on a certain percentage of box office just because the film was in 3D. Now it's de rigeur. And your brain may get tricked for the first five minutes into believing that Dr. Tongue's 3D House of Pancakes is really a blast of syrupy goodness, but your brain quickly works out the effect and soon it's pretty much nullified.

There is only one reason to push the 3D experiment to redundancy in film and soon in television: piracy. While 3D certainly won't stop piracy, it may give pause to a certain percentage of the movie-going public that want to have the full experience of seeing a film. I know this is going to sound ironic because if someone wanted a full "film experience" why would they download a pirated copy anyway? Quite simply the growth of the home television screen, and the balance of having to deal with the general idiocy of the public, starts to balance out the fan that is willing to watch the leaked DVD screener of a new film versus going to see a 2D version of it.

If, however, you've convinced yourself that the film just HAS to be seen in 3D, you're pretty much SOL in terms of a pirated copy you can watch on your home system. The movie industry is moving towards 3D not out of any artistic sensibility, but instead out of plain protectionism. And I suppose I don't blame them, but they are sticking themselves between the Scylla and Charybdis. They know that if they release a film ONLY in 3D, box office will suffer. On the other hand, if they release a 2D version, the odds of piracy go way up.

If you've somehow convinced yourself that 3D is truly a better experience than 2D, you've been led astray. I'm not saying it's worse; I'm just saying it's different. Your brain does an amazing job of filling in the gaps and your imagination will overcome flaws in production, environment and often even direction. There are plenty of people in this world who still own black and white televisions or whose color TVs have 14 inch screens. Are they necessarily missing out on an "ideal" experience? Can't I enjoy content whether on my iPod screen or my 67" LCD DLP?

We've forsaken music and still claim to enjoy it. We used to listen to scratchy ceramic cones with no fidelity and eventually grew through vinyl, 8 track, cassette, and compact disc to a level of fidelity that became consistently better and clearer. Yet now we choose 128kb mp3 files that sound like crap compared to a CD or wav file because it sounds "good enough". It's the same reason some people have no trouble downloading films, because to watch even an inferior copy is "good enough". And it's the reason that 3D is really unnecessary from an artistic perspective as the mind's eye can create far richer and vaster conceptions that ever a pair of 3D glasses will be able to construct.

When will Hollywood realize that content is king? When will the focus be put back onto plot and character development with original dialog and concepts that weren't even dated to Shakespeare? I'd rather watch The Godfather on a Casio Wristwatch than watch My Bloody Valentine 3D in an IMAX arena. You don't remember a 3D film or 2D film any differently. Sure you may recall a "cool" scene or two, but is that what a director should be going for - to shock you out of your disbelief for the purposes of thinking "dude that was cool". I loved the film Up, but I don't think back on it in 3D. I simply think back to the story.

If 3D doesn't really add another dimension to films, and does little to improve my memory of them, I suppose the only real value is negative in the cost of an extra 3Dollars out of my pocket to get plastic Chinese factory glasses so that I look like Buddy Holly or Elvis Costello - what a DDDeal!

Filed under  //  3D   animation   arts   avatar   direction   film   movies   music   piracy   television  
Comments (2)
Posted

thinglets: 20 Questions You Shouldn't Have To Answer While Waiting For A Movie To Start

  1. What is Golden Topping made of anyway?
  2. Which one of the Baldwin brothers is in this film?
  3. Do you think they'll show the Sandra Bullock trailer?
  4. What would make my feet stick to carpet?
  5. Did your Grande Burrito have beans in it?
  6. You mean there was an original Planet of the Apes?
  7. When does that new Rob Schneider film come out?
  8. Did you remember to record A Very Special Glee Christmas?
  9. Did I give you my wallet?
  10. Would you mind rubbing my leg if it cramps up?
  11. So there are HOW many of these Twilight thingies left?
  12. Is this the Harry Potter one where they get naked?
  13. Do you want some of the Jell-O I snuck in?
  14. How much would you give me if I yelled "Don't Tase Me Bro!" right now?
  15. Is that your iPhone vibrating in your pocket?
  16. So how about that Paula Abdul huh?
  17. How much does an adult diaper hold?
  18. Isn't this the film Keanu Reeves turned down?
  19. So you remember what to do if my head tilts back and I start drooling?
  20. Isn't that your wife and brother over there?

Filed under  //  bad movies   film   movies   popcorn   theater   trailer  
Comment (1)
Posted

thinglets: 10 Reasons You Should Not Go To See Avatar

Really, go see it if you want. Just be appropriately disgusted as blue slinky creatures fill the screen in a world reminiscent of Endor.
  1. It cost $237 million US to make, which is bigger than the GDP of nine countries!
  2. The Na'vi killed and ate the Ewoks before taking over their planet.
  3. Sigourney Weaver doesn't answer to the name Ripley.
  4. James Cameron hasn't made a film since Titanic and may blow a gasket when isohunt.com posts a copy a day early.
  5. Leonardo DiCaprio ain't the king of this world.
  6. Big let down when you find the entire story is just John Connor playing a video game on Skynet.
  7. The film could never live up to Cameron's masterpiece Piranha Part Two: The Spawning.
  8. If there's not a place for Tom Arnold in a film, I just can't support it.
  9. Sam Worthington's in a remake of Clash of the Titans; don't encourage him, or next he may re-imagine Krull.
  10. Remember the budget for Waterworld? I'm just sayin'!

Filed under  //  avatar   blockbuster   box office   budget   film   james cameron   movies   na'vi   titanic   waterworld  
Comments (0)
Posted

Podcast 114 - Can Twilight Vampires Get H1N1?

(download)

Where else can you get H1N1, Sesame Street, and Twilight talk all in one podcast? It must be lovehatethings! 

"You got your H1N1 in my Twilight!"

"Well you got your Twilight in my H1N1!"

The Reese peanut butter cup of podcasts.

Filed under  //  dracula   H1N1   movies   new moon   sesame street   television   twilight   vampire  
Comments (0)
Posted

lovehate: Twilight - Vampire Stories Where Stakes Are Rare

Let me begin by saying that I do not dislike the first Twilight film. In fact, considering my expectations going in, I suppose it was a mild surprise that I was entertained for the 80, 90, 100 minutes? I don't remember how long it was. I will admit that I'm not rushing back to see it any time soon.

I do think, however, that Tiger Beat vampire cultures that are being spawned right now have more to do with slapping a cut out template onto a teen drama and little to do with the more traditional aspects of vampire literature.

Quite simply, Bram Stoker would be spinning is his daytime grave and Max Schreck would be flailing his arms wildly as the flash bulbs of a thousand teeny bopper cameras popped on the red carpet. I hardly think it would be too much of a stretch to expect Nosferatu 2: Dude Where's My Stake! pop up at a theater near you sometime soon.

The vampire mythos has taken a turn for the mundane. I know that Twilight is not the first or last story to bastardize all of the normal conventions that we believe about vampires, but it does seem a prime example of subjugating an archetype for sake of convenience at every turn. Why do I get the feeling that the first time Stephanie Meyer was confronted with questions about Twilight vampires not following the traditional conventions of the classic vampire character, her response was something along the lines of "well MY vampires CAN do that!"

And it's not that I mind predominantly female youth getting dragged into this quasi-vampire plotline. After all, I watched WAY worse films and WAY worse television in my time to ever have a right to pass universal judgement on anyone. It's simply that I fear that very soon the concept of Vampire 1.0 will be lost.

How many Twilight readers have read the original Dracula or looked up Vlad the Impaler? How many have come to discover vampires that could NEVER exist in daylight, or cast a reflection, or stand the smell of garlic. Hell, some vampires can't even be killed with wooden stakes anymore. What's a Van Helsing to do?

Vampires are supposed to live in creepy castles in Eastern Europe and scare the bejesus out of villagers with hypnotizing other in their charismatic thrall. Hell, the modern vampire is more likely to lust after a PSP than blood these days - which they can pick up at noon, in the middle of summer at the local mall because they're wearing some crazy ring or amulet or something that allows them to party in the sunlight... but are they really happy? No, they're all a bunch of gloomy angst-ridden teens that listen to My Chemical Romance.

And what the fuck is with the sparkling skin? Is everyone going out to a rave tonight in their "oh-so-trendy" Abercrombie and Fitch regalia?

Let's just run the list for my own gratification. I'm going to use Bram Stoker's Dracula as the comparator in this case, not because I believe it was necessarily the best vampire archetype of all time, but because it redefined the pop culture vampire of its time in a similar way to what Twilight is doing now.

Bram Stoker's vampires:

  • Fangs - YES
  • Reflection - NO
  • Shadow - NO
  • Kill with stake - YES
  • Kill by sunlight - YES
  • Decapitation - FATAL
  • Drowning - FATAL
  • Fire - FATAL
  • Garlic - WEAKENS
  • Crosses - WEAKENS
  • Running Water - WEAKENS

Twilight vampires:

  • Fangs - NO
  • Reflection - YES
  • Shadow - YES
  • Kill with stake - NO
  • Kill by sunlight - NO
  • Decapitation - ANNOYING
  • Drowning - ANNOYING
  • Fire - FATAL
  • Garlic - NOTHING
  • Crosses - NOTHING
  • Running Water - NOTHING

Welcome to Vampire 7.0 beta. Apparently it doesn't have all the annoying crashes the earlier ones had. The Blue Screen of Death has been replaced by a Facebook logo as new age vamps look for parties to go to with their sparkly skin. Apparently nothing can really kill them except each other and they can only be hurt by an angst-ridden broken heart. They also live in fancy Frank Lloyd Wright houses in the hills and have BBQs on Sundays.

Again, I want to assure you that I can't hate this evolution. After all Bram Stoker's vampires were a far off bastardization of "folkloric tales [where] vampires often visited loved ones and caused mischief or deaths in the neighbourhoods they inhabited when they were alive. They wore shrouds and were often described as bloated and of ruddy or dark countenance." I guess I'm just unwilling to give up the vampire as a monster compared to some of the simpering, whining, high school seniors they seem to be now. Will the "traditional" vampire become, 100 years from now, equated with the Twilight archetype?

I get the entire vampire as an allegory for the struggles of teens growing up and coping in a modern society that alienates them and forces them to hide their true identities in their fortresses of solitude while secretly using their powers to save those that they love... wait... that sounds like Superman. Maybe Superman was a vampire. I think Superman should make appearance in a Twilight film just to shake things up. Then we could have Spock, Chewie and Gandalf come by to keep everybody happy.

Filed under  //  books   bram stoker   dracula   max schreck   movies   new moon   nosferatu   stephanie meyer   tradition   twilight   vampire  
Comments (2)
Posted

Podcast 107 - Forget Doctors; Trust in Pilot Season

(download)

Considering some impromptu thoughts on why I love the beginning of the new TV season, why I having problems believing everything that's being said about H1N1, and the ten most boggling selections for greenlit movies based on plot pitches.

Filed under  //  authority   doctor   fall tv season   H1N1   medicine   movies   pilot   plot   screenplay   television   trust  
Comments (0)
Posted

thinglets: Ten Film Plots That Should Not Have Been Greenlit

Below are ten short plot summaries for films that have, shockingly, ALL been made. I have not put the name of the film at the beginning of each entry in case you'd like to play a "Name the Film" game. There is a link contained in each entry that points to the IMDB page for the film. Prepare to be dumbstruck.

  1. "A Texas Ranger is assigned to protect the only witnesses to the murder of a key figure in the prosecution of a drug kingpin -- a group of University of Texas cheerleaders. He must now go undercover as an assistant cheerleading coach and move in with the young women."
  2. "A deservedly struggling young comedian, lands a menial job on a cruise ship as the Miss-Universe contest is being held on-board. The Big Man On Deck for this voyage is the ship's comedian and all-around ladies' man. As an assorted array of thugs, Panamanian mercenaries and terrorists try to storm the ship, the young comedian hopes for one big chance to prove himself and enter the exciting world of cruise ship comedy."
  3. "After separating from his wife, a former agent quit the spy business and became a restaurateur. The government has asked him to come back and save the world again. The evil antagonist has hypnotized animals into doing her bidding, and plans to use them to take over the world! It's up to the agent to save the world, as only he can battle her Vegetarians and man-eating rabbits!"
  4. "When "street smart" rapper applies for a membership to an all-white Country Club, the establishment's proprietors are hardly ready to oblige him. Unwilling to accept that the club views him as unfit for membership, he purchases land that contains the 17th green - willing only to exchange the hole for a membership. This sets the stage for an outrageous assault on the country club and its membership committee as he and his fun-loving, streetwise crew disrupt the goings-on at the club with their irreverent attitudes and a back-and-forth prankfest."
  5. "A father's psychic abilities are put to the test when his two daughters are trapped inside of a corn maze haunted by the spirits of two young girls who disappeared a year earlier."
  6. "A professor introduces Paul to the practical-joking Kathy. Paul and Kathy seem to hit it off rather well but, during a meteor storm, a meteorite fragment strikes Paul, burying itself deep in his skull, which has the unpleasant side-effect of causing Paul to mutate into a giant reptilian monster at night and go on murderous rampages."
  7. "On the night of a big fashion show, world-famous French designer is poisoned. The same night, his murderers are trying to kill a member of the popular rap group. As the designer dies on the street, a midget witch tries to do something to save him. The next day, as the body of the designer is buried, his soul wakes up to find himself in the rapper's body. Both souls are trapped inside the rapper's body, and every time he suffers a blow, they switch personalities. A tough black rapper becomes a fruity fashion designer and then back again."
  8. "After the death of his brother, a street dancer goes to attend university. But his efforts to get an education and woo the girl he likes are sidelined when he joins in his fraternity's effort to win a step dancing competition."
  9. "Jack is a struggling baseball pitcher who has great natural talent but keeps choking under pressure. Traded to a class A minor league team, he is appalled to discover his third baseman -- and roommate on the road -- is a chimpanzee. While the chimp can actually hold his own on the diamond, Jack feels there's something a bit undignified about having to look after a monkey, and it doesn't help that the chimp has poor hygiene and a chronic case of flatulence."
  10. "An unemployed cartoonist moves back in with his parents and younger brother. When his parents demand he leave, he begins to spread rumors that his father is sexually abusing his brother."

 

Filed under  //  bad movies   film   greenlight   imdb   movies   plot   screenplay   writing  
Comments (0)
Posted

lovehate: How Patrick Swayze Cost Me My Job

I don't think it's uncommon for many teenagers to grow up thinking that a job in a music or video store as being somewhat cool. You get to surround yourself with pop culture all day, every day, and (at least when I was growing up) had the ability to exercise that music snobbery so effectively portrayed by the clerks in High Fidelity or Empire Records.

And for a period of time, I had the opportunity to work in a video store when I was around 18 years old and going to university. While I enjoyed the job immensely, and planned on staying there for a period of time, I never thought that Patrick Swayze would cost me my job.

In as much as the part-time staff at a video store is made up of students trying to make supplemental education money, and the full-time staff (save the occasional owner/operator) is someone who is there as a way station, the average employee really lives by the basic tenet of: do as little as you can while still pulling in the minimum wage salary that's keeping you out of a fast food kitchen. From this general rule comes a couple of key realities: 1) anyone who shows any initiative whatsoever is a likely candidate for assistant manager, and 2) 15 to 18 year-old guys only show initiative for one thing, and it's not organizing a VHS inventory "fun day".

And so it came to pass that I was working in a video where the two "adult" managers had decided that the two "assistant" managers would be teenage girls. Now, let it be clear that I never coveted the job or begrudged the young women forced to oversee the occasional evening shift of the general ne'er-do-wells. I was quite happy slumming at the register, restocking the shelves or feasting on a slice of greasy pizza for dinner on the picnic table out back.

The one thing that did absolutely drive me insane however, was that both of the assistant manager were absolutely in LOVE with all things Dirty Dancing. When they worked the film played non-stop, sometimes for eight hours a shift. Maybe Bill Medley had the time of his life recording soundtrack fodder for the trite piece of cinematic drivel that was Dirty Dancing. But I wanted to sharpen a pencil and jam it in my ear after the third hour. I worked there for a year and the film never changed. Dirty Dancing from shift beginning to shift end whenever the young women were "managing". If enough of us ganged up and whined enough, we could arrange the occasional showing of Adventures in Babysitting when they went off on break... not much better I know, but a far cry from Swayze and Baby.

I soon learned that Swayze was the real culprit. For soon after the onslaught began Patrick Swayze pictures and posters started going up in the break room and magazines with his picture were left conspicuously under the register. I, through a complete lack of tactless honesty, had let it be known of my distaste for the film and everything to do with it. I could, therefore, never get away with destroying the store's dozens of copies or mangling the posters.

I would have to assert my revenge in another way.

You're probably wondering, at this point, how Swayze actually cost my job.

There was an unwritten rule in the store that once someone put a tape in, it would be allowed to finish. The tape choice was also decided by store rank. While I never was around long enough to hold such a position, the only time I had say over which tape was in the machine was 8:30am Sunday morning. The overnight guy was cashing out and I manned the front counter alone for half an hour before the "assistant managers" came in to help with the ongoing build of the post-church crowd that crescendoed around noon. One of those mornings I scoured the store, not only for something that I could live with, and was rated PG or lower, but something that disgust and revolt any of the Dirty Devotees.

I settled on a concert film. I settled on Pink Floyd at Pompeii.

For six glorious months of Sunday mornings I cranked the volume to eleven and freaked out many a church-goer and their children to the demonic strains of One Of These Days I'm Going To Cut You Into Little Pieces and Careful With That Axe Eugene. The psychedelic volcanoes exploding over the Italian ruins were enough send many a customer away from whichever section was nearby. I have to give credit to my assistant managers as they clearly hated my weekly selection, but respected the unwritten law. Although I knew I was in for three straight showings of DD when Floyd was done, Pompeii gave me a sense of poetic justice.

And we all were quite willing to grin and bear it until one Sunday morning the "adult" manager came in early and saw David Gilmour playing an acoustic guitar while a dog howled accompaniment in a studio clip. Said manager decreed that Pink Floyd at Pompeii was not an appropriate film to be shown at nine o'clock on a Sunday morning. 

I calmly retorted that "Dirty Dancing was not an appropriate film to be shown to anyone with an I.Q. above 50, yet I was forced to watch it three times a shift."  

He replied, "No one's making you watch it. You should be working anyway."

I tried to argue that my productivity suffered at having to be lulled into a soma-like trance by the horrible sappy music and hackneyed storyline.

He stammered that I should really consider if I truly wanted to be a proud family member of the store's staff.

Turns out... "no".

If it wasn't for Patrick Swayze's hunky good looks to all the teenage girls, I could've been king of the video store... not the most impressive title for sure, but how many kings do you know?

Filed under  //  80s   dirty dancing   film   movies   patrick swayze   pink floyd   pompeii   retro   swayze   teen   video store  
Comments (0)
Posted

thinglets: Tower Bawher

via nfb.ca

A great nfb.ca film that provides an artistic whirlwind of Russian constructivist art.

Filed under  //  art   canada   canadian   constructivist   film   movies   national film board of canada   nfb   russian  
Comments (0)
Posted