I have no idea why, but this clip of James Earl Jones reciting the alphabet used to scare the living shit out of me as a 3 year old. I used to running out of the room screaming. So I decided to return to the fears of my youth and do some intricate deconstruction as to why a young Canadian boy who watched Sesame Street 3 hours a day would have such a reaction.
Theory One:
The Helvetica font was far too angular and stern for a young tyke. Where was the Comic Sans of the late 60s? I don't want a letter "A" I could impale myself on. I think kids need a serif once in a while.
Theory Two:
Although the film wouldn't come out for several years, I had already anticipated that this voice was the voice that would make a galaxy tremble and threaten the extinction of the Jedi Knights. I mean, it looks like he's wearing an outfit that could be reminiscent of Dark Side devotee... either that or Steve Jobs, which is scary in itself.
Theory Three:
James Earl Jones seriously looks like he wants to beat the shit out of me. Not you, but just me. In between the letters, he actually told me so. I swear that when I was 3, I heard: "A... hey Anthony... B... I'm coming by your house... C... and I'm gonna kick your ass... D... and steal all your toys... E... and, by the way... F... Santa and the Easter Bunny aren't real..." You get the picture.
I'm not sure which of the theories is true, if not all three. All I know is that I'm putting together a class action suit against The Children's Television Workshop. I'm naming Mr. Hooper, Bert, the Estate of Jim Henson, and Count von Count specifically in the suit. Not for any particular reason, other than I hope to get an offer of settlement so I don't have to waste all my money on legal fees.
If anyone would like to join my class action suit, and contribute to the legal fund, please feel free to contact me by giving me your information in the comments below. Please do not use capital letters as they still kind of freak me out.
Mr. Jones, I hold no ill contempt against you. You were only being the professional actor you were paid to be. When I find the name of the director, however, vengeance will be mine as I tie them down and make them listen to Rosie Perez read them all of the Inuit words for snow.
