thinglets: 10 Additional Features The BlackBerry Torch 9800 Needs To Have Before I Give A Shit

1. Keys larger than half a Tic Tac

2. A slideout side burner so I can boil a pot of corn

3. A pre-loaded PDF of Justin Bieber's new autobiography: Tuesday's With Miley

4. A Colecovision emulator with Smurf's Magic Castle

5. A generous coating of grated Extra Old Cheddar

6. A 3D barcode that gives me a free cruller at the nearest Tim Horton's

7. A free bumper so that the antenna... oh wait, wrong smartphone

8. The arrogance to actually call itself "iPhone Killer"; everyone else does

9. A big-ass beer stein from the nearby Kitchener, Ontario Oktoberfest

10. And oh, I don't know, a brand and model name that didn't sound like 3 different concepts slapped together... sounds like a really long NASCAR race