1. Keys larger than half a Tic Tac
2. A slideout side burner so I can boil a pot of corn
3. A pre-loaded PDF of Justin Bieber's new autobiography: Tuesday's With Miley
4. A Colecovision emulator with Smurf's Magic Castle
5. A generous coating of grated Extra Old Cheddar
6. A 3D barcode that gives me a free cruller at the nearest Tim Horton's
7. A free bumper so that the antenna... oh wait, wrong smartphone
8. The arrogance to actually call itself "iPhone Killer"; everyone else does
9. A big-ass beer stein from the nearby Kitchener, Ontario Oktoberfest
10. And oh, I don't know, a brand and model name that didn't sound like 3 different concepts slapped together... sounds like a really long NASCAR race