thinglets: So You Want Me To Watch The Winter Olympics?

If you want me to watch the Winter Olympics (other than hockey that is), the IOC [International Olympic Corruptco] needs to revamp some of the events to make them more interesting to me. I know that some may argue my modifications may be "guy" things, but ultimately I just need to know there's a reason why I shouldn't be watching reruns of governments committee debates instead.

If I'm gonna watch your Olympic thingy, please tag on the following changes:

Ski Jumping... over fire.

Downhill Skiing... in front of an avalanche.

Ice Hockey...okay! You can leave this one alone.

Speed Skating... full contact.

Biathlon... targets include other racers.

Freestyle Skiing... nude.

Luge... with random, intermittent obstacles.

Figure Skating... with trap doors leading to lion pits.

Curling... exploding rocks.

Snowboard...all at the same time.

Cross Country Skiing... across the Biathlon track.

Skeleton... without helmets.

Bobsleigh... rocket powered.

Nordic Combined... naked with Barry White music playing.