thinglets: 12 Curling Aphorisms as Metaphors for Life

Always make sure to keep your guards up; you'll never know when you'll have to draw on them.

There's no such thing as a clean sweep.

Sometimes you have to take a nose hit and then give it some ice.

If you can't hack it, get your rocks off some other way.

When asking for a double, always expect you'll get some ice with it.

If you're asking for bumper and end up getting a biter, she may slap you.

When you decide to hurry hard, always make sure you have enough ice to finish with.

If you decide to draw too much instead of taking her out, you may face an end prematurely.

When asked if you have the hammer, don't brag. Just ask if they have the stones.

To hit and roll simultaneously probably ensures a very chill evening.

If you've been accused of a hog line violation, immediately erase all of the web bestiality bookmarks from your browser.

When asking your Skip for a raise, give a second before leading her/him to come around.

thinglets: Alternative Superbowl Names So As Not To Get Sued By The NFL

Since the NFL threatens to sue anyone who uses the name "Superbowl" outside of reporting on it as news, I've decided to give some alternate monikers for people looking to spice up their local events or eatery promotions:

The Big Game

The Recroom Drunkfest

The Prop Bet Gambler's Paradise

The Poolie's Delight

The Game That's Rarely Good

The Media Blitz

The Super Bowel

The Hope-I-Die-Before-The-Who-Plays-The... forget it.

The Vegetative State Extravaganza

The Six Hour Build Up To A Coin Flip

The Excuse to Party

The Not-Good-Enough-Of-A-Reason-To-Bump-The-Simpsons Bowl

The Overpaid Immature Mutant Game

The Stupidbowl

The Not-Yet-Ready-For-Prime-Time Bowl

The I-Waited-Two-Weeks-For-This? Bowl

The CarQuest International House of Pancakes Geico Bowl

The Beer Commercial Bowl

The Oh-Look-There's-Counter-Programming-Figure-Skating-On Bowl

The Smoka Bowl

The I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Better Bowl

The Hey-Look-At-That-Commercial-While-I-Steal-The-Last-Piece-Of-Pizza Bowl

The Are-Those-Really-Bits-and-Bites-I-Haven't-Seen-Those-For-Years Bowl

The Bathroom-Is-Off-Limits-For-10-Minutes Bowl

The I'll-Cheer-For-The-Opposite-Team-Of-Everyone-Else-In-The-Room-To-Be-Different-And-Controversial Bowl

The Why-Do-I-Have-To-Watch-Promos-For-Canadian-TV-Shows-And-Miss-The-Commercial-Memes-That-Will-Be-The-Talk-Of-The-Internet-For-The-Next-24-Hours-Thanks-To-The-CRTC Bowl

thinglets: So You Want Me To Watch The Winter Olympics?

If you want me to watch the Winter Olympics (other than hockey that is), the IOC [International Olympic Corruptco] needs to revamp some of the events to make them more interesting to me. I know that some may argue my modifications may be "guy" things, but ultimately I just need to know there's a reason why I shouldn't be watching reruns of governments committee debates instead.

If I'm gonna watch your Olympic thingy, please tag on the following changes:

Ski Jumping... over fire.

Downhill Skiing... in front of an avalanche.

Ice Hockey...okay! You can leave this one alone.

Speed Skating... full contact.

Biathlon... targets include other racers.

Freestyle Skiing... nude.

Luge... with random, intermittent obstacles.

Figure Skating... with trap doors leading to lion pits.

Curling... exploding rocks.

Snowboard...all at the same time.

Cross Country Skiing... across the Biathlon track.

Skeleton... without helmets.

Bobsleigh... rocket powered.

Nordic Combined... naked with Barry White music playing.


thinglets: 20 NASCAR Race Names You'll Never Hear

  1. The Vagisil 250
  2. The Preparation H 175
  3. The Thunderbird Wine 99
  4. The Al Gore 900
  5. The Heinz EZ Squirt Purple Ketchup 240
  6. The Dank Blunt 420
  7. The Edible Underwear 69
  8. The Spotted Dick Sponge Pudding 345
  9. The Oprah Book Club 19.95
  10. The Tickle Me Elmo 123
  11. The Texas Roadrunner Meat 555
  12. The Ben Gay 65
  13. The Stud 100 Male Genital Desensitizer 100
  14. The Bavolex Irritable Bowel Syndrome Relief Formula 246
  15. The Shady Maple Farms Organic Maple Syrup Grade B Jug 32
  16. The Navitas Naturals Organic Goji Berries Himalayan Superfruit 007
  17. The Pampers Cruisers 911
  18. The Climax Bursts Anal Lube 202
  19. The Going Native Pumpkin Curry 747
  20. The Kentucky Chapter of NAMBLA <13