From today's actual news: "London 2012: Missiles may be placed at residential flats." I guess it got me kind of pissed off.
Why I don't care about the Superbowl or most sporting events, and what I would do if I did.
Will the Boxee Box or a like product save television sports for me?
My "falling out" with televised sports: an evolution or devolution - "Are we not men? We are Devo!"
There's no such thing as a clean sweep.
Sometimes you have to take a nose hit and then give it some ice.
If you can't hack it, get your rocks off some other way.
When asking for a double, always expect you'll get some ice with it.
If you're asking for bumper and end up getting a biter, she may slap you.
When you decide to hurry hard, always make sure you have enough ice to finish with.
If you decide to draw too much instead of taking her out, you may face an end prematurely.
When asked if you have the hammer, don't brag. Just ask if they have the stones.
To hit and roll simultaneously probably ensures a very chill evening.
If you've been accused of a hog line violation, immediately erase all of the web bestiality bookmarks from your browser.
When asking your Skip for a raise, give a second before leading her/him to come around.
Some ruminating on the Bowl that is Super, the Buzz that is Google, the Olymps that are Ick, and what's Better than Better.
Since the NFL threatens to sue anyone who uses the name "Superbowl" outside of reporting on it as news, I've decided to give some alternate monikers for people looking to spice up their local events or eatery promotions:
The Big Game
The Recroom Drunkfest
The Prop Bet Gambler's Paradise
The Poolie's Delight
The Game That's Rarely Good
The Media Blitz
The Super Bowel
The Hope-I-Die-Before-The-Who-Plays-The... forget it.
The Vegetative State Extravaganza
The Six Hour Build Up To A Coin Flip
The Excuse to Party
The Not-Good-Enough-Of-A-Reason-To-Bump-The-Simpsons Bowl
The Overpaid Immature Mutant Game
The Stupidbowl
The Not-Yet-Ready-For-Prime-Time Bowl
The I-Waited-Two-Weeks-For-This? Bowl
The CarQuest International House of Pancakes Geico Bowl
The Beer Commercial Bowl
The Oh-Look-There's-Counter-Programming-Figure-Skating-On Bowl
The Smoka Bowl
The I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Better Bowl
The Hey-Look-At-That-Commercial-While-I-Steal-The-Last-Piece-Of-Pizza Bowl
The Are-Those-Really-Bits-and-Bites-I-Haven't-Seen-Those-For-Years Bowl
The Bathroom-Is-Off-Limits-For-10-Minutes Bowl
The I'll-Cheer-For-The-Opposite-Team-Of-Everyone-Else-In-The-Room-To-Be-Different-And-Controversial Bowl
The Why-Do-I-Have-To-Watch-Promos-For-Canadian-TV-Shows-And-Miss-The-Commercial-Memes-That-Will-Be-The-Talk-Of-The-Internet-For-The-Next-24-Hours-Thanks-To-The-CRTC Bowl
If you want me to watch the Winter Olympics (other than hockey that is), the IOC [International Olympic Corruptco] needs to revamp some of the events to make them more interesting to me. I know that some may argue my modifications may be "guy" things, but ultimately I just need to know there's a reason why I shouldn't be watching reruns of governments committee debates instead.
If I'm gonna watch your Olympic thingy, please tag on the following changes:
Ski Jumping... over fire.
Downhill Skiing... in front of an avalanche.
Ice Hockey...okay! You can leave this one alone.
Speed Skating... full contact.
Biathlon... targets include other racers.
Freestyle Skiing... nude.
Luge... with random, intermittent obstacles.
Figure Skating... with trap doors leading to lion pits.
Curling... exploding rocks.
Snowboard...all at the same time.
Cross Country Skiing... across the Biathlon track.
Skeleton... without helmets.
Bobsleigh... rocket powered.
Nordic Combined... naked with Barry White music playing.
- The Vagisil 250
- The Preparation H 175
- The Thunderbird Wine 99
- The Al Gore 900
- The Heinz EZ Squirt Purple Ketchup 240
- The Dank Blunt 420
- The Edible Underwear 69
- The Spotted Dick Sponge Pudding 345
- The Oprah Book Club 19.95
- The Tickle Me Elmo 123
- The Texas Roadrunner Meat 555
- The Ben Gay 65
- The Stud 100 Male Genital Desensitizer 100
- The Bavolex Irritable Bowel Syndrome Relief Formula 246
- The Shady Maple Farms Organic Maple Syrup Grade B Jug 32
- The Navitas Naturals Organic Goji Berries Himalayan Superfruit 007
- The Pampers Cruisers 911
- The Climax Bursts Anal Lube 202
- The Going Native Pumpkin Curry 747
- The Kentucky Chapter of NAMBLA <13
