thinglets: 12 Curling Aphorisms as Metaphors for Life

Always make sure to keep your guards up; you'll never know when you'll have to draw on them.

There's no such thing as a clean sweep.

Sometimes you have to take a nose hit and then give it some ice.

If you can't hack it, get your rocks off some other way.

When asking for a double, always expect you'll get some ice with it.

If you're asking for bumper and end up getting a biter, she may slap you.

When you decide to hurry hard, always make sure you have enough ice to finish with.

If you decide to draw too much instead of taking her out, you may face an end prematurely.

When asked if you have the hammer, don't brag. Just ask if they have the stones.

To hit and roll simultaneously probably ensures a very chill evening.

If you've been accused of a hog line violation, immediately erase all of the web bestiality bookmarks from your browser.

When asking your Skip for a raise, give a second before leading her/him to come around.

thinglets: The True Canadian's Winter Olympic Events

1) The 500 Minute Sit

Involving the ability to park one's ass in an easy chair and consume television and movies, this event does not sound to difficult to most people. Hazards are, however, introduced into the when the only thing to watch on television is coverage of the Figure Skating Compulsory Forms.

2) Freestyle Drinking

Pretty much as it sounds. Whether your choice is beer, whiskey, or a wine spritzer, when the temperature outside drops to "Holy F*ck" levels, you'll be happy to know you're competing with millions of your country's finest at the same time.

3) Alpine Smoking

Since it has become illegal to smoke anywhere with a roof in Canada, people have to make brief sojourns into the frigid temperatures to feed their passion. Judged on quickest time and amount of nicotine and tar ingested, this event is in danger of being dropped in future Winter Olympics as most competitor are dying off.

4) The Four Man Bobmarley

Popularized in BC, this event involves four competitors running into a well-vented bedroom to do bottle tokes while listening to Bob Marley's Legend CD and saying "Dude" a lot.

5) The Biathlon

While not different in name than the actual Olympic event, this combination event harnesses the best competitors in the 500 Minute Sit and Freestyle Drinking.

6) The 50m Shovel

Although not an official Olympic event, many people don't know that Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper holds the unofficial record for his uncanny ability to shovel entire mountains of snow to cover up the shit he creates.

7) Speed Mating

The act of copulation in the time it takes to get upstairs to the bedroom, do the deed, and get back downstairs with a beer all between the end of the 2nd period and beginning of the 3rd period of a Hockey Night in Canada telecast. Known locally in some climes as the Moose Jaw Triathlon or the Rimouski Relay, many of partners of this event's competitors are lobbying Gary Bettman, the CRTC, and the Canadian Government to increase intermission times to 30 minutes.

8) Black Ice Slalom

Many Canadian drivers spend months perfecting their skills in avoiding telephone poles, garbage cans, pedestrians and other vehicles when the roads turn imperceptibly icy. Lobby groups frequently try to ban this event due to the frequent damage to property and occasional injury and loss of life.

9) Foster Skating

While many Canadian parents gave up on any form of skating decades ago, that doesn't prevent them from practicing their Black Ice Slalom skills during this event which involves countless early morning hours sitting on cold wooden benches watching no-so-good hockey all in the name of parenting. Often combined with regional events like Profanity Hurling and the 60 Minute Vicarious Glorification. Foster Skating can be made more tolerable with a coffee and cruller.

10) The 5 Minute Coffee Run

Really an all-season event in Canada, such an event becomes all the more challenging through a set of special winterized skills that involve, shortest transaction while the window is open, digging the correct change out of an unused ashtray, balancing the recycled cardboard 5 coffee stack on the passenger seat, and getting the perfect order while everyone want their f'ed up specialized coffee with a half of this and a double of that. This event can be done in lieu of Speed Mating if a partner is not available, or Alpine Smoking if your addiction is caffeine.

thinglets: 10 Things I Learned Watching The Vancouver Winter Olympic Opening Ceremonies

1) If you're the sole athlete from a small country, your event will be Alpine Skiing. Further, if your surname doesn't match with the primary language of the country you're representing, you probably couldn't cut it in your home country and moved somewhere where you could qualify.

2) It's amazing what one can do with sheets and lights these days.

3) I understand that a "copyright" name conflict exists for "The Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia" that entails their absurdly long moniker, but isn't Macedonia 2.0 an option?

4) If four Vancouverites tell you they're going to show up to a Cauldron Lighting, only three will show up; the other will already be "lit" somewhere.

5) I don't miss Bryan Adams... at all, and call me anything but a Maritimer, but I just don't get the Fiddle Punk thing.

6) The First Nation's groups in BC can keep up that Potlatch Groove for a long time.

7) Gretzky never carried anything so long without passing it.

8) It's amazing what you can get out of 50,000 dollar store rain slickers and flashlights - it's like a Chinese factory exploded.

9) The Na'vi don't participate in the Winter Olympics.

10) Wacky Wailing Inflatable Light Bear and the Space Canoe needs to be made into a feature film.