I don't know why, but every month or so I think of Mitch Hedberg. I can't say that Hedberg was the greatest comedian of all-time, or that his style was particularly unique, but his compact humour always sort of struck me as beyond common one-liners. Even though the material was about all things mundane, it didn't seem forced. Sure, sometimes the delivery was stilted, but I always got the feeling Mitch just saw the world differently. I guess Steven Wright is the only other stand up artist who I really believe sees the world close to how he tells it. While someone like George Carlin was a brilliant observational comic, I always got the feeling he arrived at his observations through a much more purposeful intelligence. Hedberg was different - probably high - but certainly different.
My perception may be completely wrong, but four and half years after Mitch Hedberg's death, for no other reason than I've been laughing my ass off to YouTube clips for the past half hour, here are 20 of my favourite Mitch Hedberg observations. You're not forgotten Mitch - unlike the Dufresnes.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.
I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.
I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.
If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.