This is lovehate podcast episode 134. You can get in touch by dropping a comment at the blog love hate things dot com. Emailing me at love hate things at G mail dot com. Or following me on Twitter dot com at anthony marco.
It's not often that I find it hard to express myself, but when I returned home after work tonight without much of a voice left, I realized I was in trouble.
You see, I wanted to re-cord a podcast about some of the little things that irked me during the day - including the gradual dissolution of my vocal chords, only to arrive behind a microphone with plenty to say and no way to say it.
So I suppose I'll have to resort to creating another list for this podcast, which I will entitle "10 Things You Can Do Without a Voice Even Though You Think You Can't".
1) Hail a cab. Whistling may not work, but rocks will.
2) Pick up someone in a bar. Just choose a really loud club, pretend you're talking and blame the music.
3) Cheer for your home team at a hockey game. Any combination of poorly-crafted acronym sign and gaudy ostentatious color scheme will do. You can be loud without going WU!
4) Make a hit song. Deejays have been mashing up music for several years with little to no music ability, but a great deal of music sensibility.
5) Win a war of words. Sometimes the greatest tool in a sophistry kit is the silent glare.
6) Use your telephone. Who talks on their phone anymore? We just send endless text messages while the mobile providers reap in the profits.
7) Participate in a protest rally. Got a banner? Got a sign? Got a fist to pump into the air. Or even better, got a gag to make a statement about how your voice has been supressed. Use your affliction.
8) Sing in a karaoke bar. Just pick "Sweet Caroline" and you won't have to sing a note. Just hold the microphone out to your drunk friends in the crowd.
9) Join in a chant a your highschool pep rally. Just make sure that "We Will Rock You" is on the list, and your BOOM BOOM CLAP skills will shine through.
10) Record a podcast. With the wonders of modern technology, who would've thought I could sound like fembot set on killing Jamie Summers and seizing control of the earth?
So that's it. When I started this podcast about a half hour ago - you see, even though it's only been a couple of minutes, I've had to type this entire screed out longhand - I thought it couldn't be done. But thanks to Bill Gates' text to voice technology and his right wing fascist ideologies about charter schools and standardized tests, I have a new podcast.
You have been listening to lovehate podcast episode 134. You can get in touch by dropping a comment at the blog love hate things dot com. Emailing me at love hate things at G mail dot com. Or following me on Twitter dot com at anthony marco. And until next time ladies and gentlemen, ladies and germs, freaks and geeks, fellas and bellas - love it or hate it.