Reflections on why novels don't pull my attention anymore... my growing inability to Monotask.
Straight out of the gate let me plead guilty - I have a soft spot in my heart for tech blogs and podcasts. I have, however, written several times on the ourobouros-like feeding of such blogs and podcasts on each other and often themselves. This humble blogger and podcaster feels that we've stretched the envelope a bit much when 390 words can be devoted to the headline:
Deja vu all over again: Apple patent hints at tablet
Now I know that the writers at arstechnica and other like sites are prompted to pick up on even the smallest tidbit of minutae about the most arcane aspects of Apple, Microsoft or Google, but isn't a post where the optimistic highlight is "however, the company has indicated that it's at least contemplating how to best implement the idea, should the opportunity arise one day."
Let's deconstruct. 390 words that concludes, on the basis of a patent filing mind you, that Apple is "indicating that it's contemplating" a product that may be a possibility some day. I'm all for the "if/then" logic construct, but in this conclusion where's the "then"? I'm stuck with so many "ifs" in front of me that I feel like I'm at the "Obscure Films of Malcolm McDowell Festival."
The "news" of this story could be (and probably should be) started and finished with the headline. Everything else is supposition and subjectivity, which is fine, but doesn't inspire return visits. The article's tagline includes "Speculation about a Mac tablet refuses to die." Well of course it refuses to die, you keep bringing it up!
I don't mean to pick on this article or writer specifically because this post is symptomatic of a pattern that is creeping forward as more and more bloggers tend to be fighting for the same content. My thoughts, if you're going to go completely speculative and conditional anyway, knock one out of the park. How about:
"Apple was once again caught filing a patent for technology that could be used in a new tablet computer, but will more likely be used in building a spaceship capable of breaching the theoretical space/time continuum. If such a feat is accomplished, the Cupertino mindtrust could place Steve Jobs into the iStar and blast him backwards in time to the point where his current condition is/was not an issue. They would, however, have to ensure that should he interact with any Sleestacks along the way, his encounter would not result in any repercussion for the possibility of the development of the iPhone Clear which cannot be seen by the naked eye but does have cut/paste and Flash functionality."
I think a substantial precedent has been set here by Comcast in establishing a price for incidental and unwanted porn viewing. As Comcast is also an ISP of major import, doesn't anyone else feel that any porn I'm subjected to now as a result of pop ups or banner ads during my web browsing experience should now have a $10 credit attached?
I'm not buying into the fact that there's an expectation of porn on the web no matter what... I throroughly believe it... but I'm not telling Comcast that.
Comcast claimed “we did an extensive preliminary check on our technical systems, and everything appeared to be working properly when the incident occurred.” If everything was working properly, then maybe they planned on showing porn!
They originating network said "KVOA’s signal didn’t have porn on it when the station sent it over to Comcast." Maybe we can chalk it up to a wardrobe malfunction. Someone at Comcast starting flailing around in the throes of ecstasy while watching porn at the Comcast cable HQ when shoelace caught on a panel switch as they were falling off their chair.
I grew up with this show as it was shot in my hometown of Hamilton. Perhaps the cheesiest kid's show ever made, they used to cash in on Canada Council grants by adding educational components like "The Professor" and "The Librarian". Also included psychedelic musical segments with the Wolfman and added surreal elements like the Gorilla. Almost all characters, the central one being the Count with his goofy sidekick Igor, were played by Canadian comedian, Billy Van.
For more information go to www.frightenstein.com
They even paid an out-of-work Vincent Price to do the introductory work:
The Wolfman
The Professor
Gorilla
On how blogs are the graffiti of the web, England's butchering of English, and the real reasons for a whole bunch of other things.
Now that Google is being blamed for aiding terrorism with their Google Earth program, let's take a lawyer's look at who else we could extend our litigious leanings to in our case of Aiding and Abetting Terrorism:
The Non-Terrorist People of the World
vs.
Google and...
Every company who makes digital mapping applications
Every computer manufacturer
Every monitor manufacturer
Every internet service provider
Every publisher who prints atlases or maps
Every camera manufacturer
Every company responsible for Research, Development and Production of satellites
The paper manufacturers
The memory card manufacturers
The electric companies
Any other manufacturer that contributes to any of the products mentioned above
The governments of the world
The people of the world
The earth itself for being so photogenic
When the Superbowl arrives every year, those of us who are even casual football fans, and many who never watch football at any other time, prepare for parties that rival Caligula's hedonism. While this is nothing new, and the tradition is certainly well-established, it has prompted a question about connections between two seemingly completely unrelated things.
I realize for some that the idea of Sunday football has become less about football and more about food, drink and friends. This is the relationship that I find so interesting. Essentially, the real reason for many people to watch the Superbowl (which is traditionally a mediocre game) is to give people an excuse to socialize with friends. With this connection in mind, some of the other real reasons we do things may start to unfold.
I thus present a lovehatethings list, based on no scientific research, and in no specific order, that I shall call...
The Real Reasons
The real reasons people read self-help books are to help moderate their insecurities. After all, if only 25% of the things in the book apply to you, there are people out there in 75% worse shape than you are.
The real reason people line up for things is to appease their demographic.
The real reason people ice fish is to drink.
The real reason people go to bars is to not be lonely.
The real reason women go clubbing is to have fun with friends.
The real reason men go clubbing is to get laid. This is also the irreducable primary for 90% of the things men do, but to save time, you'll just have to trust me.
The real reason people buy Monster Cables is because they believe cost equals quality.
The real reason we still go to McDonald's is because we were brainwashed as children to choose brand over exploring.
The real reason people drink alcohol is to forget.
The real reason that people blog is steeped in vanity.
The real reason that people podcast, in addition to vanity, is to out do bloggers.
The real reason people yell is because they feel insignificant.
The real reason people go to church is the same reason people use online social networking is the same reason people spend hours in a coffee shop is the same reason people watch Oprah.
The real reason we steal music by illegal downloading is because someone doesn't want us to.
The real reason we spend money on things we don't need is because concretizing our wealth is comforting to our sensiblities.
The real reason people go hunting is because they lack the serenity to go walking.
The real reason we buy the thing that's "new" and "improved" is more about wish fulfillment and possibility than actually belief.
The real reason the economy is so messed up is because we're lazy.
The real reason we're lazy is because action can lead to failure.
The real reason failure scares us has little to do with fear of our inabilities and more to do with our fear of others.
The real reason people laughed at that kid getting his head shot off in the back seat of the car by John Travolta in Pulp Fiction is because we're too scared to cry is the reason therapists thrive.
The real reason we advance technology is because the whenever we ask the existential questions that lead to the nature of real reason for everything, we realize we can't answer, but we hope technology will one day allow us to.
The real reason for every war of the modern era isn't borders or religion or resources, but the low self-esteem of the decision-makers.
The real reason borders still exist is to preserve a way of life that has been manufactured, packaged, imported and sold to you.
The real reason you "buy-in" is because it's too much work to "buy-out".
The real reasons that motivate our actions bely our need to avoid reality.
Now I know, as an English teacher myself, that one of things a student hates most is studying grammar. For years I have had to contend with students who opine, "Oh, what difference does it make?" In defense of my chosen subject and profession, I maintained that, like any discipline, there were certainly times when one could toy with conventions for a purpose, however, in order to do so, one must know existence and application of the conventions.
Apparently, in the home of the English language, all of my efforts would be immediately overturned by the Birmingham City Council who recently decided to abandon possessive apostrophes on city signs as "it would cost too much to change signs referring to areas such as Kings Norton, Druids Heath and St Pauls Square."
A further justification was offered as the Council "said the decision had been taken in an effort to end decades of debate over the lack of punctuation on some signs."
With the world economy in collapse, it's good to see Birmingham saving the cost of person with a bucket of paint and a stencil going around the city. And after all "Councillor Martin Mullaney said the authority had consulted with the Plain English Society and Plain Language Commission before taking its decision."
Perhaps in the most absurd aspect of the story, the Council's use of the PES and PLC's authority was to countermand "John Richards, the founder and chairman of the Apostrophe Protection Society."
With these powerful lobby groups in mind, I'm (or Im as the case may be) tempted to start up a few grammar oversight efforts myself. I invite people to weigh in on one of the following:
- The Colon Preservation Society
- Misses Dash
- Parents for Parentheses
- Kids Need Braces
- Total Ellipse of the Heart
- To Air Quote is Human