lovehate: The Worst Toy of All-Time

Oh sure, there maybe contenders for this category based on safety issues or complexity, but my assertion for the worst toy of all-time is based simply on the mind-boggling ability of toy companies to be able to market ANYTHING to kids. I guess an argument could be made that the even-older "Pet Rock" is perhaps the greatest sham from strictly a marketing standpoint, but Mattel's SLIME of 1976 showed that toy companies could sell absolute shit. 

I'm not exaggerating here; for all I know this stuff was the natural discharge of some kind of crazy creature that lived in a cave system in Outer Botswana. Unlike the Pet Rock which you could customize, take with you, and keep in your pocket for Show and Tell, Slime was fun for about 10 seconds until you were thinking "GET THIS SHIT OFF MY HANDS!" There should've been a clue when it came packaged in a garbage can. Perhaps they were appealing to the Oscar the Grouch fan club.

The looks of the kids in the pic above are not those of children enjoying themselves. They're demented. They're confused. Hell, look at the eyes on the first kid - he's Satan! You could not carry Slime in its natural form anywhere. Mom would never let me near a carpet or couch with it. Basically, whenever I wanted to play Slime (and I use the word "play" loosely) I had to stand in the hallway or kitchen, unmoving but for the relentless twitching like a electric chair customer when trying to get the crap off my hands.

They actually came out with a sequel toy called Slime with Worms. I think they got the idea from the first kid who swallowed some of the stuff and ended up in the hospital with the creatures in his stool. Slime with Worms was purple instead of green and came in an orange trash can with crimson-colored rubber worms suitable for scaring a sibling or going fishing.

At least I could take the rubber worms in for Show and Tell without having them in the plastic can. It's a wonder I never did well in Show and Tell, and why, to this day, I can't stand eating wings or ribs because of the crap on my hands while eating them.

I hate you Mattel.

thinglets: The Bic Pen Orange Peel Gun

I'll never forget the months in elementary school where grade seven students became aware of physics became aware of the power of compressed air. I have no idea who passed down the sacred knowledge of the Bic Pen Orange Peel Gun, but it surely was the bane of many a teacher's existence at my school. It was MacGyver before the show existed. They actually banned oranges for a short period of time from lunches because they were finding mini orange peel bullets everywhere - plus, it was easier to ban orange peel than pens. You would be shocked at how much fun these could be in a school that was designed "open-concept". One could launch peel from the Grade One area to the Grade Six area with a proper arc and sufficient thrust... sorry... that sounded dirty. I hope my indiscretion didn't cause this post to lose its "ap-peel".

The Weapon:

One Bic Pen (see below) - although not essential, it was often preferable to have the pen with the small hole half way up the casing to help ease the pneumatic effect when loading. It could be easily covered to ensure full pressure upon firing.

The Ammo:

One Orange Peel (see below) - the thicker the peel, the better. Remember, the ammo has to hold the air in the cylinder when plunged.

Instructions:

Luckily enough, someone else beat me to it. So YouTube, bring it on home.

thinglets: The Super Scooby 2645 Calorie Burger

via plime.com

Here's what makes the “Super Scooby” special:

— 4 quarter-pound beef patties;
— 12 onion rings;
— 8 slices of bacon;
— 8 slices of cheese;
— 6 slices of tomato;
— 2 sesame buns;
— Barbecue sauce;
— Lettuce;
— And a good slathering of mayonnaise.

If you eat it in one sitting, you get a free Diet Coke... maybe the Aspertame will get you if the burger doesn't.

lovehate: Instead of a Genius Bar, I'd Rather a Snickers

There's been an awful lot of Applebashing going on recently and, while I'm not claiming it's undeserved, I want to make it clear that I was bashing Apple long before this most recent trend because a) it's fun to be an iconoclast, b) I enjoy taking potshots at the "cooler than you" crowd, and c) it's difficult to compliment for more than a couple sentences without sounding fanboy-ish. This said, my assault on the Appleverse or iVerse or Macverse today has little to do with joining the "Bashfest Club" and more to do with my original A, B and C tendencies.

Whenever one walks into an Apple Store (and I know you have, even those that don't want to admit it), if you can push your way to the back through the Birkenstock, hemp bags, and air that's thick with pretension, you'll notice the "Genius Bar". The Genius Bar is where you can bring your Apple products that you just can't figure out anymore. Your name goes on a list like you're lining up for headcheese and corned beef at the local deli and you stand around trying to look cool. You thought the DMV was bad, at least there if you have a lingering remnant of Taco Bell piquante sauce on your shirt you're still easily the best dressed in the place. At the Apple Store, if you're wearing a ringer tee, it better have cost $75 at a store with wooden shutters and lighting so dim you'd think you were in a Philip K. Dick novel.

Anyway, back to the Genius Bar. When Apple's famed 1984 commercial shocked the world, we thought we'd found a company that would be making products by the people, for the people. Products that were simple, elegant, and just worked. Let me offer up some full disclosure here: I've almost never had a problem with any of my iPod products. Other than some frustrating glitches when updating the iPhone/Touch OS, my experiences have been relatively good. Which is part of the reason I'm always shocked to see the Genius Bar TAKING APPOINTMENTS for the next day OR WEEK to fix problems with people's iPhones, Pods, and Macbooks. 

Is it really a good selling point for Apple products that the Genius Bar has to take reservations? Isn't this a testimony to product failings? And why should I have to be a genius to fix my Mac or iWidget? I understand that a catastrophic failure of a MAC PC may require some outside help, but why does Apple relish celebration of flawed technology (and let's admit it folks, those Mac v. PC ads are a bit ridiculous considering the Mac IS a PC). Forcing people to stand around like their in a refugee camp is something that boggles my mind. If you're standing in an Apple Store waiting to see a Genius or waiting for a Genius to deliver a push-hold button combination to your iPod in order for you to listen to John Mayer again, you have become a testimony to how Apple does NOT build technology for the people, but, instead, technology for the Genius.

Remember when we could open computer cases and fiddle around inside to add cards, RAM, or swap hard drives? How many Mac owners do that? Remember when you r first mp3 players could be popped open if the headphone jack ever got worn out for a quick repair? If I popped open my iPod Touch, I get the feeling I'd need a roll of duct tape and vice to cram it back together again.

Apple makes elegant, sexy, cool DISPOSABLE technology. What ever happened to the all-seeing Big Brother eyes that were supposed to be the evil overlord's intimidating the general tech-buying public? Have those eyes become Steve Jobs'? Is he the real Genius because he's convinced a population that technology is only good for a one to two year cycle before it should be discarded - hell, I'm not talking about technology just not being cutting edge any more, but how many people still tote around their 1st and 2nd gen iPods... before they were called Classic... and before the Genius playlists.

And if the Genius Bar is supposed to be, in any way, related to the Genius playlist generator in iTunes, then Apple has a lot to worry about, because when a list of ten songs out of a pool of a couple thousand, are completely unrelated but for an ID Tag that says "pop" or "rock", you've proved yourself about as much a genius as a sorted list in Lotus 1-2-3.

The real genius' are the consumers who have been bored of the PC/Mac ads for over a year, won't buy a PC unless they can get into it to do minor upgrades, and would completely ignore any mp3/multimedia player that requires you to install bloatware in order to load it up with media... with my iPod Touch securely in my hand, I may not be a genius - but two outta three ain't bad!

thinglets: 10 Great Ben Folds Lyrics (after he folded Five)

"The old bastard left his ties and his suit
A brown box, mothballs and bowling shoes
and his opinion so you'd never have to choose" - Bastard

"Fred sits alone at his desk in the dark
There's an awkward young shadow that waits in the hall
He's cleared all his things and he's put them in boxes
Things that remind him: 'Life has been good'" - Fred Jones (Part Two)

"By the time the buzz was wearing off
we were standing out on the sidewalk
with our tattoos that looked like rings
in the hot Nevada sun" - You to Thank

"So now she's gone and broke my heart goddamn her
Turns out she's been fucking this drum programmer
She likes his style, she likes his rock start glamour
Well she's an infant! he can damn well have her!" - Hiro's Song

"Down the tracks
beautiful McMansions on a hill
that overlook a highway
with riverboat casinos and you still
have yet to see a soul" - Jesusland

"The daily dramas she made from nothing
So nothing ever made them right
She liked to push me and talk me back down
Until I believed I was the crazy one, 
and in a way I guess I was..." - Landed

"In a haze these days
I pull up to the stop light
I can feel that something's not right
I can feel that someone's blasting me with hate
And bass
Sendin' dirty vibes my way
'Cause my great great great great Grandad
Made someones' great great great great Grandaddies slaves
It wasn't my idea
It wasn't my idea
Never was my idea" - Rockin' the Suburbs

"Good morning, son
In twenty years from now
Maybe we'll both sit down and have a few beers
And I can tell you 'bout today
And how I picked you up and everything changed
It was pain
Sunny days and rain
I knew you'd feel the same things" - Still Fighting It

"Sara spelled without an 'h' was getting bored
On a Peavey amp in 1984
While Zak without a 'c' tried out some new guitars
Playing Sara-with-no-h's favourite song" - Zak and Sara

"Smile
Like you've got nothing to prove
No matter what you might do
There's always someone out there cooler than you" - Always Someone Cooler Than You

lovehate: In Drugs We Trust

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor, do not play one on TV, do not pretend to know many doctors, and really am just making shit up... ENJOY!

In many posts about internet and web culture, I've often lamented about the about how the dominant nature of authority in social media is misplaced. One viral video or well-placed link by another authority figure can vault Twitter followers into the stratosphere or blog hits through the roof. Another thing I always maintain is that as much as we call social media "new" by examining the technologies, proliferation and aggregation of ideas, age-old problems that have plagued media (and in many cases society) have not been, and will never be, eliminated from the model. I am, however, starting to gain a new appreciation for the marriage of new and old, and how the old proclivities of trust with authority figures is bleeding through an API near you.

People have always held a reverence for doctors. There is an unbridled trust that washes over someone upon walking into a doctor's office that is perhaps only ever present in two other places in your lifetime, grade school and church. Put a "D" "R" "period" before someone's name and they instantly become an authority figure on any number of subjects that they may or may not have ANY expertise in whatsoever.

But guess what folks, there are crappy doctors out there. And I'm not talking bad bedside manner or someone who can't get their system to work with your benefits plan. I'm talking about people who just plain don't know what they're talking about because almost EVERYTHING about their profession is an educated guess. There are some who are great at making those guesses and others who seem to choose "All of the above" in order to prescribe you everything from placebos to poison in an effort to weed out some of the things that MIGHT be the actual problem.

I'd never even claim that they don't care. I'm sure they do, to the extent that their knowledge allows them, but their lives are consumed by paranoid patients, pharma sales reps and hypochondriacs who will ingest or inject anything that gets written onto a little white pad in a language that isn't discernable to anyone outside of the sterile community.

We are told the pandemic is coming as doctor's quotations are trotted out across news tickers on cable news networks and interviews are replayed of how many people could die if it spreads. We're told to wash our hands and report strange issuances of sneezing and coughing and fever. We're told that help is on the way in the form of an injection that you MUST have once... alright, maybe twice... alright, maybe with a spray or bottle of pills to boot. We're told it's coming and we cower in our living rooms, basking in the warm glow of our television sets hyping up our own paranoia with every throat scratch, sneeze or cough. We try to think of ways we can get to the front of the line when they dole out the miracle injection that will save us from the disease that's sure to kill millions but leave us and a chosen few to pick up after the earth has died screaming. We believe that if a drug company tells doctor's the injection will work, and the doctor's tell us it will work, we'd be foolhardy to disbelieve.

We buy into the marketing of diseases. How can big pharma sell a "swine flu" vaccine? Everyone will believe that if they haven't been in contact with livestock, they won't need the shot. They'll only be able to convince between 10% to 20% of the population that it's necessary. 

Let's re-brand it. Cal it H1N1. No one knows what the hell that means, but it sounds science-fictiony and futuristic like THX-1138. Let's say that it resembles the regular flu so much that it'll be tough to distinguish between the two... but make sure they know that the regular flu shot won't do on its own. Let's upsell. It's not just Barbie, it's the Barbie in the Barbie convertible.

Let's tell people it's killing thousands of people overseas, where the common cold kills tens of thousands every year. Let's elevate the threat for young people and the elderly so that parents fret for their children and their parents. Let's release statistics to news agencies that ignore that normal deaths from regular flu every year and tell stories about all-star student athletes dying of this disease. Let's get people primed up because we're going to stick them and then stick them with the bill.

Above all, let's hope the strain runs its course because we don't want anyone to know the awful secret that if we actually had a treatment or inoculation that worked we probably could've saved the all-star student athlete. If we REALLY had a viable shot, wouldn't it make sense to roll it out immediately instead of playing a political and marketing game of building up enough supply... but not QUITE enough to prevent people from scurrying to line up for it right away. Would we be able to finally convince the huge demographic that chooses NOT to get a regular flu shot every year, and still NEVER gets the flu, that this is Armageddon?

They don't have to convince us. They have doctor's as their front line. We are the home team crowd. The Pharma League sets the rules. The Lobby Franchise prints up the tickets. The sales force coaches send in the plays. And the team of doctors take the field. They are ready to give it their all. They are ready to do their best. But they don't call the play. They don't make the equipment. They don't set the rules.

Think about that as you're bent over taking a needle in the ass from the second team nose tackle.