Podcast 123 - What's So Funny About Grease, Blood, and Countermanding?

Perpetuating new levels of idiocy in ranting about "Tasting the Awesome", being duped by "Officiality", renaming the "iPad" into something more realistic, and how James Earl Jones scared the shit out of me as a child, long before he was ever the voice of Vader.

Plus this is episode 123, which carries the numerological value of 6, which is the number Patrick McGoohan's character was in the Prisoner when he heard "I am Number Two", and he asked "Who is Number One"... I am sooo tasting the awesome right now.

thinglets: Tasting the Awesome!

I don't know that, if I was ever the owner of a major restaurant chain, I would ever want to ask my customers to come and "Taste the Awesome". If I'm offering something for a limited time, does that mean that the awesome hasn't existed in my eateries before, and that soon it won't anymore.

If the former, I would think it may a slap in the face to my loyal customers who have been frequenting the establishments for years, sucking down greaseball chunks of cow carcass adorned with "American" cheese that is far more suited to being garish than garnish. It's giving the ultimate FU! to all the fine folks who've been telling their friends for years how "awesome" my restaurant was and then pulling out the rug of sinewy lettuce and watching them fall on the ketchup-stained floor while I sit back in some corporate office with my feet up on a desk adorned with a WalMart frame containing a holiday portrait of my wife and 1.8 children wearing clothes from the GAP and Old Navy laughing gleefully to myself watching porn on the web after office hours thinking of drinking myself into a stupor and taking a long walk off a short overpass.

If the latter, it's a flailing testament to your organization's lack of ability to conceive of anything to capture the hearts and minds of the shuffling automatons that are one thread removed from just repeatedly bumping into the plate glass like a moth to a porch light until they summon up millennia of evolutionary Jungian percepts to grasp the handle of the door and pull while you raise a cold Miller Genuine Daft with your marketing team at putting another one over on the folks who thought that your regular burger/double burger/double cheeseburger/quarter pounder with cheese/triple cheeseburger and applewood smoked bacon artery hardening confection wasn't good enough... of course it wasn't good enough. If it was good enough, there would be no room for awesome.

But it's only for a limited time! Crap! You mean I'll never be able to savour the bourbon soaked ketchup sauce and sponge-nion rings that make up this colossus of awesomeness? I better hop in practical yet affordable sports utility vehicle and buy one of these right away, because someday when I write my novel, I'll never be able to complete this chapter on my life unless I can say I tasted the awesome. In fact, that's what I'm going to name that chapter of the autobiography. It's going rest somewhere between "Where's the Beef" and "Two All Beef Patties, Special Sauce, Lettuce, Cheese, Pickles, Onions on a Sesame Seed Bun". The title of the entire book will be called Had it MY Way! I'll be the most awesomest writer in the world!

thinglets: Craz-E Burger - the 1,500 calorie doughnut burger

In a follow-up to the 2700 calorie UK cheeseburger stack of last week, I have found something that has less calories, yet somehow seems more disgusting. When I think of burgers, I don't often think of a "glazed" bun. Apparently US attendees at a Massachusetts fair loved it before they fell over from coronaries in the parking lot on the way out:

"Organisers of the Big E, which finished on Sunday, said visitors bought around 1,000 Craz-E burgers each day of the fair's 17-day run."

With regards to the glaze that I could not imagine enjoying, some of the PR for the glazed "midway heart attack" was sold as follows:

"The glaze smooths over the burger and oozes into a foreign but delicious combination with the crisp of the bacon."

And if you thought that wasn't enough - just in case you wanted your meat fix in lips, hoof, and ass tubes - another treat was on the menu:

"The restaurant also serves a hamdog, a hotdog wrapped in a beef patty and deep-fried."

After all is said and done, perhaps the best fun fact about this Aorta Buster Supreme is that back in Decatur, GA the burger is named the Luther Burger after food fan, the late Luther Vandross.

thinglets: The Super Scooby 2645 Calorie Burger

Here's what makes the “Super Scooby” special:

— 4 quarter-pound beef patties;
— 12 onion rings;
— 8 slices of bacon;
— 8 slices of cheese;
— 6 slices of tomato;
— 2 sesame buns;
— Barbecue sauce;
— Lettuce;
— And a good slathering of mayonnaise.

If you eat it in one sitting, you get a free Diet Coke... maybe the Aspertame will get you if the burger doesn't.

thinglets: Purchasing power: An alternative Big Mac index

I suppose a couple of obvious (yet maybe sarcastic) questions come to mind.

  • Since the cost of labor in Nairobi is so much lower, wouldn't the cost of the Bigg Mac be cheaper as well? 
  • If a Big Mac cost 2.5 hour's worth of wages, would I even want one? 
  • I wonder if a McDonald's wage was calculated in the findings... I would think that if they only used McDonald's wages, they'd find that employees of their own stores would have to work inordinately long to even afford to eat there.

thinglets: High School Musical 70's Style

I figure that since the majority of people working at McDonald's now are high school students, and we all know that High School students are prone to break out into song about anything, these gentlemen (who were very happy at mopping and cleaning out grease traps) must be the closest thing the 70s had to High School Musical... expect Fame.

lovehate: The Ten Commandments of Not Pissing Me Off



Thou shalt not try to convince me there is a God or gods or godesses or demons or devils or cosmic intelligences we surely don't understand. If you want to buy into all of that, go crazy, but leave my realist brain out of your cornfield.


Thou shalt not try to convince me that Prince or the Artist Formerly Known as Sane is a musical god for two reasons. One is contained in commandment number one, and two is that the man, while clearly possessing talent, took a long walk off the pretentious pier long ago and convinced himself he was Aquaman in the process.


Thou shalt not try to convince me that the chemicals in fast food are going to kill me someday. I live in a city that chuffs out more carcinogens a day into the air than you can imagine. I was weaned on the stuff. My body is a chemical factory. When I die, and my body decays in the ground, you may as well salt the earth because nothing is growing there again. And if you cremate me, anyone looking at the smokestack will think that Jerry Garcia's been elected pope.


Thou shalt not come to a COMPLETE STOP when making a right turn with no stop sign, no oncoming traffic, and no possible reason to slow down to a crawl other than the faint possibility your heart has stopped because you're sneezing from the dust gathered on your living corpse that moves too slow.


Thou shalt not take a look at the Double Gulp Diet Coke I bought at 7-11 and say "How can you drink all of that?" Like anyone drinks! Okay you idiot? Starting with my mouth, ending with my bladder, wash, rinse, repeat! Got it?


Thou shalt not exclaim, for any earthly reason, "same difference". Other than being oxymoronic, it's just plain imbecilic save for one example: 10 minus 8, 5 minus 3, 2009 minus 2007 is the same difference.


Thou shalt not try to justify the ingestible viability of any gelatin made from reduced animal hoofs. Oh I know that during the great depression your ancestors may have lived off the stuff along with fatback and pork sausage, but that doesn't change the fact I'd rather eat a dolphin.


Thou shalt not try to convince me there are secret conspiracies bent on overtaking the world. Get your head out of your ass and smell the soot and sulphur. There are plenty of completely visible organizations trying to take over the world that have great PR contracts to boot. The fact that anyone believes Britney Spears has talent or that A-Rod is anything but an asshole or that this entire Susan Boyle thing isn't a complete fabrication is definitive proof of that.


Thou shalt not claim to be good at television trivia without being able to sing at least 20 theme songs, word for word, from the 70s or earlier. You will be excused from one theme for each well-placed reference to the Wondertwins or Gatchaman (Battle of the Planets for all you unbelievers).


Thou shalt not, through any circumstances, under pain of verbal tirade and relentless mocking through a series of pop culture subreferences, fly footloose and fancy-free with the definitive article "the" before things like: Walmart, Twitter, Windows, Google, or Kids Today.


Thou shalt not expect me to hold to any promises or parameters of only holding to lists of ten things when clearly it's permissible for me to take things to eleven.


Thou shalt not expect anything less than the unexpected grapefruit edsel waffle iron ukelele.

thinglets: The Fast and the Foodiness

And now... a word association exercise with fast food restaurants.

A&W... Root Beer
Arby's... Cheap Beef
Big Boy... Porn Star
Blimpie... Should be a Popeye character
Boston Pizza... Made in Canada
Burger King... Taste his Jewels
Chick-fil-A... Ben Folds
Church's Chicken... Holy Poultry
Dairy Queen... Soft Dip
Del Taco... Shortstop for the Dodgers
Domino's Pizza... Greazza
Dunkin' Donuts... Hamlet's Stepfather's Snack Choice
Carl's Jr.... Who's Carl?
Fast Eddie's... Who's Eddie?
Harvey's... Oh! THAT Harvey!
IHOP... Syrupy
In-N-Out Burger... Porn Movie
Jack in the Box... Porn Movie
Kentucky Fried Chicken... Now with 99% REAL Kentucky!
Krispy Kreme... One K word away from a Human Rights lawsuit, or Porn Name
L'il Caesar's... Side salad
Long John Silver's... Porn Star
McDonald's...................................... Sorry. My heart stopped.
Mighty Taco... Refried for your protection.
New York Fries.....................................................................
Panda Express... Porn Movie
Pizza Hut... Kentucky Fried Crust
Pizza Pizza... Stutterers Delight
Popeyes Chicken & Biscuits... Spinach be damned.
Quiznos... Toasty.
Red Rooster... Porn Star
Starbucks... Frak You
Subway... Scrape gum off before you eat.
Taco Bell... 100 Ways to enjoy beef, torillas and cheese.
TCBY... Takin' Care of Business Yo!
Tim Hortons... Hears a Who
Wendy's... Frosty
White Castle... My hands look HUGE!
Wimpy... NOT a Porn Name

fast food logos