thinglets: Tasting the Awesome!

I don't know that, if I was ever the owner of a major restaurant chain, I would ever want to ask my customers to come and "Taste the Awesome". If I'm offering something for a limited time, does that mean that the awesome hasn't existed in my eateries before, and that soon it won't anymore.

If the former, I would think it may a slap in the face to my loyal customers who have been frequenting the establishments for years, sucking down greaseball chunks of cow carcass adorned with "American" cheese that is far more suited to being garish than garnish. It's giving the ultimate FU! to all the fine folks who've been telling their friends for years how "awesome" my restaurant was and then pulling out the rug of sinewy lettuce and watching them fall on the ketchup-stained floor while I sit back in some corporate office with my feet up on a desk adorned with a WalMart frame containing a holiday portrait of my wife and 1.8 children wearing clothes from the GAP and Old Navy laughing gleefully to myself watching porn on the web after office hours thinking of drinking myself into a stupor and taking a long walk off a short overpass.

If the latter, it's a flailing testament to your organization's lack of ability to conceive of anything to capture the hearts and minds of the shuffling automatons that are one thread removed from just repeatedly bumping into the plate glass like a moth to a porch light until they summon up millennia of evolutionary Jungian percepts to grasp the handle of the door and pull while you raise a cold Miller Genuine Daft with your marketing team at putting another one over on the folks who thought that your regular burger/double burger/double cheeseburger/quarter pounder with cheese/triple cheeseburger and applewood smoked bacon artery hardening confection wasn't good enough... of course it wasn't good enough. If it was good enough, there would be no room for awesome.

But it's only for a limited time! Crap! You mean I'll never be able to savour the bourbon soaked ketchup sauce and sponge-nion rings that make up this colossus of awesomeness? I better hop in practical yet affordable sports utility vehicle and buy one of these right away, because someday when I write my novel, I'll never be able to complete this chapter on my life unless I can say I tasted the awesome. In fact, that's what I'm going to name that chapter of the autobiography. It's going rest somewhere between "Where's the Beef" and "Two All Beef Patties, Special Sauce, Lettuce, Cheese, Pickles, Onions on a Sesame Seed Bun". The title of the entire book will be called Had it MY Way! I'll be the most awesomest writer in the world!

thinglets: Purchasing power: An alternative Big Mac index

I suppose a couple of obvious (yet maybe sarcastic) questions come to mind.

  • Since the cost of labor in Nairobi is so much lower, wouldn't the cost of the Bigg Mac be cheaper as well? 
  • If a Big Mac cost 2.5 hour's worth of wages, would I even want one? 
  • I wonder if a McDonald's wage was calculated in the findings... I would think that if they only used McDonald's wages, they'd find that employees of their own stores would have to work inordinately long to even afford to eat there.

thinglets: High School Musical 70's Style

I figure that since the majority of people working at McDonald's now are high school students, and we all know that High School students are prone to break out into song about anything, these gentlemen (who were very happy at mopping and cleaning out grease traps) must be the closest thing the 70s had to High School Musical... expect Fame.

thinglets: BE the topping

As much as I think the idea of the hamburger is infinitely cool in conception and design, I wonder if I could comfortably sleep in it. I may have nightmares of the Hamburgler sneaking in to steal me in the middle of the night... and not the softer-featured Hamburgler of the 80s. I'm talkin' the crotchety old sour-faced Hamburgler of the 70s.

I would also think that the morning ritual of organizing pillows, sheets, blankets and duvets may get a bit daunting in a semi-comatose state. Let's face it, if you don't get the design right on a daily basis, you've essentially got a big brown ottoman in the middle of your bedroom.

All-in-all the hamburger bed may be cool looking as a concept piece, but a bit intimidating for a good night's rest. Then again, campers in sleeping bags are spending their nights in a sandwich wrap or soft taco. And I guess you could say that the average person sleeping on snow white sheets should be chilly on their Klondike Bar mattress.

thinglets: a fitting last meal - drive-thru style

In happening to stumble across some unbelievable food stats, I decided to construct a meal that would save capital punishment expenses by likely killing someone while enjoying their last meal. The following meal contains:

Total Single Meal Amount/Recommended Daily Amount

  • Calories: 3850/2000
  • Fat: 125g/65g
  • Sodium: 3900mg/2400mg
  • Carbs: 571g/300g
  • Protein: 127g/50g

The meal consists of a Double Gulp Coca Cola from 7-Eleven, a Baconator from Wendy's, a side order of Poutine from McDonald's (that's fries with cheese and gravy for the uninitiated), and an A&W Large Chocolate Shake. Guaranteed stroke and heart attack. Sure you can get worse desserts at sit down restaurants, but the drive-up/thru is just so much more poetic.

Double Gulp