1) The 500 Minute Sit
Involving the ability to park one's ass in an easy chair and consume television and movies, this event does not sound to difficult to most people. Hazards are, however, introduced into the when the only thing to watch on television is coverage of the Figure Skating Compulsory Forms.
2) Freestyle Drinking
Pretty much as it sounds. Whether your choice is beer, whiskey, or a wine spritzer, when the temperature outside drops to "Holy F*ck" levels, you'll be happy to know you're competing with millions of your country's finest at the same time.
3) Alpine Smoking
Since it has become illegal to smoke anywhere with a roof in Canada, people have to make brief sojourns into the frigid temperatures to feed their passion. Judged on quickest time and amount of nicotine and tar ingested, this event is in danger of being dropped in future Winter Olympics as most competitor are dying off.
4) The Four Man Bobmarley
Popularized in BC, this event involves four competitors running into a well-vented bedroom to do bottle tokes while listening to Bob Marley's Legend CD and saying "Dude" a lot.
5) The Biathlon
While not different in name than the actual Olympic event, this combination event harnesses the best competitors in the 500 Minute Sit and Freestyle Drinking.
6) The 50m Shovel
Although not an official Olympic event, many people don't know that Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper holds the unofficial record for his uncanny ability to shovel entire mountains of snow to cover up the shit he creates.
7) Speed Mating
The act of copulation in the time it takes to get upstairs to the bedroom, do the deed, and get back downstairs with a beer all between the end of the 2nd period and beginning of the 3rd period of a Hockey Night in Canada telecast. Known locally in some climes as the Moose Jaw Triathlon or the Rimouski Relay, many of partners of this event's competitors are lobbying Gary Bettman, the CRTC, and the Canadian Government to increase intermission times to 30 minutes.
8) Black Ice Slalom
Many Canadian drivers spend months perfecting their skills in avoiding telephone poles, garbage cans, pedestrians and other vehicles when the roads turn imperceptibly icy. Lobby groups frequently try to ban this event due to the frequent damage to property and occasional injury and loss of life.
9) Foster Skating
While many Canadian parents gave up on any form of skating decades ago, that doesn't prevent them from practicing their Black Ice Slalom skills during this event which involves countless early morning hours sitting on cold wooden benches watching no-so-good hockey all in the name of parenting. Often combined with regional events like Profanity Hurling and the 60 Minute Vicarious Glorification. Foster Skating can be made more tolerable with a coffee and cruller.
10) The 5 Minute Coffee Run
Really an all-season event in Canada, such an event becomes all the more challenging through a set of special winterized skills that involve, shortest transaction while the window is open, digging the correct change out of an unused ashtray, balancing the recycled cardboard 5 coffee stack on the passenger seat, and getting the perfect order while everyone want their f'ed up specialized coffee with a half of this and a double of that. This event can be done in lieu of Speed Mating if a partner is not available, or Alpine Smoking if your addiction is caffeine.