lovehate: Olympic Mascots

I don't quite know what to say.

The traditional concept of a mascot is to be representative of a team or organization. Above all, there is usually something identifiable. Whether it be an animal or mythological figure or paper clip that invades the top of my screen and asks inane questions whenever I cannot figure out how to execute a rarely used function in MS Word... DAMN YOU CLIPPY!

So then how have the mascot for recent Olympic Games become such twisted anime mutations that they make me question how in the hell a creative team found these creatures acceptable much less endearing. I have not done any research into what the mascots are actually supposed to be, thus giving myself a pure guess at the genesis of the creatures.

Here are my deconstructions of the Vancouver 2010 mascots:

Sumi is some sort of crazy mutant BearOwl wearing a Rollerball helmet with three Antichrist horns. His/Her eyes are set apart so far as to wonder how it sees forward. (Such a design decision is part of all of the 2010 mascots) Sumi also wears some kind of jersey/poncho in a funky Dark Green, Lime Green, Orange combination that is a worse look than the Vancouver Canucks mistaken jersey of the 80s. Overall, Sumi is a butchered bastard child of gene grafting.

I'm guessing Quatchi is a Sasquatch, and considering that the creature I'm most sure of is an urban legend, you can tell how far over the cliff we've gone here. Coming fully-equipped with Sky Blue earmuffs and crazy ink of the Olympic logos, for some reason he/she is also wearing boots which make Quatchi fairly civilized considering the wild origins of such creatures. Badly in need of a haircut, Quatchi also suffers from lack of elbows and bowed arms.

Miga is either a cat, panda or skunk, or all three together. Equipped with a scarf and all dolled-up with rouge, Miga looks like she/he's the one to be caught out on the town with a foreign athlete. Decked out in a green scarf suitable for S&M choke play, Miga looks most probable to win the most outstanding supporting mascot in an anime style. Not sure what the crazy Alfalfa cowlick is supposed to represent, but I'm guessing it comes in useful when the Sumi, Quatchi, Miga three way gets going underneath the bleachers pre-opening ceremonies... all I can say is that, if Miga is walking funny during the torch lighting, my views will be justified.

I think that during the preparation for the next Olympics, the world should demand real mascots that represent actual creatures. Maybe we should bring back Spuds Mackenzie and just have the IOC admit that the entire event is really about shilling products and selling television contracts.

Brought to you by the Official Blog of the Vancouver Games...

thinglets: So You Want Me To Watch The Winter Olympics?

If you want me to watch the Winter Olympics (other than hockey that is), the IOC [International Olympic Corruptco] needs to revamp some of the events to make them more interesting to me. I know that some may argue my modifications may be "guy" things, but ultimately I just need to know there's a reason why I shouldn't be watching reruns of governments committee debates instead.

If I'm gonna watch your Olympic thingy, please tag on the following changes:

Ski Jumping... over fire.

Downhill Skiing... in front of an avalanche.

Ice Hockey...okay! You can leave this one alone.

Speed Skating... full contact.

Biathlon... targets include other racers.

Freestyle Skiing... nude.

Luge... with random, intermittent obstacles.

Figure Skating... with trap doors leading to lion pits.

Curling... exploding rocks.

Snowboard...all at the same time.

Cross Country Skiing... across the Biathlon track.

Skeleton... without helmets.

Bobsleigh... rocket powered.

Nordic Combined... naked with Barry White music playing.