thinglets: Venus Flytrap Explains the Atom

via youtube.com

WKRP was one of the greatest sitcoms of all-time. One of the best scenes in the series is Venus Flytrap (the overnight soul DJ) dropping some science on this gangbanger. Venus had befriended his mother, who was a cleaner at the radio station, and she was worried her son was dropping out of school.

The scene you don't see, after the end of the clip, is Venus breathing a huge sigh of relief after the kid leaves that he's still in one piece. Even better, Johnny Fever (the morning rock DJ) wakes up from a pile of boxes across the room complimenting Venus' teaching abilities.

Who says you needed Schoolhouse Rock to learn in the 70s? Venus was da man!

lovehate: 10 Memories of a Childhood Candyland

Every kid likes candy. If you didn't like candy, it's because you lost your taste buds in a horrible smelting accident. I remember growing up with candy type that I just can't find anymore, or, if they are around, they don't seem as cool as they used to be. Now I'm not talking chocolate bars here; that's its own special category. I'm talking compressed, molded sugar of various artificial flavors.

Gold Rush Gum

The packaging is what made this gum desirable. If memory serves, the gum was crap. But what kid wouldn't love a cool little candy bag with a drawstring to keep when the were done. P erhaps this same design ploy was attached to Crown Royal as I got older.

Koo Koo

This Neopolitan Choco-Vanilla-Strawberry striped taffy was all the rage for a short time and was visually appealing because for the same price as a package of smaller candy, the surface area alone would draw you in. The taffy was about what you'd expect in a mashed down strip wherein the "flavors" really didn't taste to different from each other. I, in fact, once rolled up the taffy into a ball to prove to a friend there really wasn't a tremendous value in this landing strip confection. Now that was a helluva taffy ball chew to get through.

Bottle Caps

Bottle Caps were absolutely awesome! Here was a candy, shaped like bottle caps, that actually had a lingering taste of the pop they were supposed to represent. I can imagine the marketing wizards sitting around a table coming up with these: "Here's an idea! Let's pack some solid sugar together to taste like liquid sugar!" If parents tell their kids not to drink too much pop, they can enjoy Bottle Caps instead.

Sweet Tarts

Not much deception in the name here. They were sweet. They were tart. They were different colors, but the colors seemed inconsequential. You would inevitably be enjoying the sweet flavor with mild amount of sour along the way until you got down to where you bit the candy. Then it was all over. You could rarely stop from making the "sour" face as the powdered explosion hit your taste buds. Happy times!

Pop Rocks

Still legendary. The source of many a mythological horror story about the kid who put 8 packs of Pop Rocks in his mouth and drank a can of Coke. It was kin d of like the candy version of Bloody Mary. In fact, the myth went so far as to claim it cost the life of Life Cereal spokeskid Mikey: "His head blew up! Hey Mikey!" The taste was meaningless. Pop Rocks were the Mexican Jumping Beans of your mouth. How much cooler could it get?

Popeye Candy Cigarettes

Screw health and political correct candy. If I was too scared to get caught smoking, I certainly wasn't too scared to pretend I was with candy cigarettes. The sad thing is they forced a name change to "candy sticks". Really? Did they honestly that candy sticks shilled by the ugliest sailor on the high seas was going to be a "gateway" snack to a nicotine fix. I mean, it's not like the character had ever been used before to shill something equally distasteful like vegetables or something... wait... never mind. Forget about smoking. The candy itself probably had more damaging substances than the average cigarette. Check out the ingredients on that package: corn starch, sugar, corn syrup, palm oil, gelatine, artificial flavors and colors... REALLY? ARTIFICIAL? Who would've guessed this wouldn't have the all natural tastes of tar and tobacco?

Hubba Bubba

Yeah, Bubblicious was cool as well, but Hubba Bubba had a name that rhymed, and for a single-digit aged kid, that's all it took. The bubble were no-stick as well. In as much as I loved Double Bubble and the enclosed comic strips growing up, Hubba Bubba was that next-gen late 70's breakthrough of square gum that burst on the scene with a bunch of groovy commercials.

Starburst Fruit Chews

Alright, I know that any candy that has fruit in the name should never pass a kid's lips, but that was the ploy of the name. By putting the word "fruit" in it, not only could you tell your parents you ate fruit with lunch, but you could also live under the illusion that your logic in convincing them that the "real" fruit in the flavoring MUST be healthy for you.

"Capsule" Candy

This is more of a category wrap up than an individual candy. The pill-like confections in boxes like Mike and Ike's, Goodies, Good & Plenty, and Hot Tamales were much more of a threat than Popeye cigarettes. These "pills" allowed you to "be like mom" in popping your candy valium or Contact C for the day. Lookie like every "diet pill" that was ever made, in many of the same colors, it's a small wonder these were allowed to live on. Maybe if they called them Betty Boop's Secret Pill Stash Candy, they would've been outlawed.

Life Savers

We had a Life Saver factory in my hometown of Hamilton, Ontario. The Life Saver Christmas Book, containing ten rolls, was the most popular gift during the in-class gift exchange growing up... although 8 year-olds have a hard time getting past Butter Rum. Life Savers crossed over in pop culture in a huge way when the inspirational "Have a Life Saver, maybe it'll make you feel better" was used as one of the greatest punchlines on Happy Days. Wayda go Mr. C!

lovehate: The Eigenharp - Tapping, Strumming, Blowing!

via news.bbc.co.uk

At a cost of 4000 pounds ($6400 US) the Eigenharp is a musical behemoth is appropriately synthesized and touch responsive. It's got pressure-sensitive keys all over the place and ribbon controllers along with drum pads and other assorted noise makers that can be controlled through tapping, strumming or blowing.

Let me preface my quick review, admittedly based on the thin sample of the video at the above link, with the fact that I've been a piano player since age five, a guitar player since age twelve, and a sax player since age thirteen. This thing looks like a giant clusterfrak of a musical instrument surgery gone wrong.

I played synthesizers for years and while I originally loved the concept of the emulation that a synth provided, especially in its samples of other instruments, I grew to despise synths for trying to simulate organic sounds. I don't mind synths pulling off a fat square wave or a edgy sine swoop, but I now bristle at the sounds of sax or guitar coming out.

I understand that, in some cases, cost may be prohibitive for a young musician trying to express creativity. This overblown Casio beatbox funmaker is certainly a musical instrument, certainly requires talent, certainly facilitates a specific type of expression. If I can afford this thing, I could also certainly afford a saxophone, a grand piano, a bassoon, a guitar or a drum kit.

It's said that one of the reasons the creators conceived of such an instrument was to cut down on the massive amounts of gear they'd have to bring out to each show in order to play... here's an idea - buy a guitar and a pick and hit the local coffeeshop! I'd much rather hear a lone sax player who knows how to play sax, than a lone eigenharp player who knows how to play a sax sound on his eigenharp.

I'm sure there will be some people who love this and claim I'm some sort of musical Luddite for chastising what some news outlets will report as the future of musical instruments. Another thought from the linked article is that it looks like something from the Star Wars cantina scene. I suppose I would've happier if this was left a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.

Kudos to the creators for living their dream in executing the creation of this mutation. Their determination must have been dogged to complete the project. For 6000 bucks, however, I'd rather buy a new piano that sounds like [GASP] a piano.

thinglets: Top Ten Numbers from Zero to Nine

1) One - Yeah, I know, it sounds trite, but One is the irreducible primary and indicates superiority in many ranking systems. It also echoes a homonym of such achievement because you can be "Number One" if you have "won". It may be the loneliest number, but that's only because it can stand on it's own. Now I know some of you will argue that you can't have One without Zero, and I'd agree that from a purely relativistic sense you're right. But I would also say that Zero becomes irrelevant without One. At this point many would probably argue that One is nothing without Zero, and I'd say shut up and let me get on with the rest of my list.

2) Zero - Here you go all you Zero lovers. While I'm not about to revel about the sole existence of zero, I am quite content in extolling its virtues at carrying on the numbers above nine. Being a child of a schizophrenic education between imperial and metric in urban Canada, I've decided that metric makes far more sense than base eight. Without the Zero, metric is nothing. Without metric I am nothing... sorry, a little Full Metric Jacket reminiscence there.

3) Two - If only to establish the pattern of Even and Odd numbers for gambling and other purposes. Also, to provide an adequate starting point for a rhyme that will end with "Who do we appreciate?" It is also helpful to have Two relatively close to One in the list as the W which fell off the phonetic start of One is uselessly dropped in the middle of Two.

4) Six - Normally I wouldn't put Six so high, but I do so in tribute to the greatest television show of all time, The Prisoner. Patrick McGoohan chose 6 as the number of his unnamed village protagonist simply because it was the only number that, when inverted, became a new number all on its own. It is also essential to the Six-Pack which all of you fitness buffs might strive for ON you, while the rest of us strive to get a six-pack IN us.

5) Five - The only number on the list that belies its own ranking. Five is incredibly important for its contribution to popular culture in such hand affirmations as Gimme Five or High Five, such soft drinks as Five Alive or a fifth of scotch, and military jargon like Five by Five. Of course it would also be difficult to celebrate Dave Brubeck's Take Five while actually taking five from your job at the Five and Dime.

6) Eight - Even though the imperial system of measurement became redundant to me after the first few years of school, eight is still important in many aspects of our daily life. First of all, it looks like a snowman - which is pretty cool in itself. Eight also consumes our daily commutes around the neighbourhood in resplendent red glory. Eight can bring up negative connotations like when you're behind the Eight Ball, but Pieces of Eight was a pretty cool Styx album. It's also cool because of it's 90 degree relationship to the infinity symbol which is about as far from eight as one can be. Try to not think about eight next time you pull out a tape measure with inches and feet - don't even get me started on 15/16ths.

7) Three - I find it a bit confusing that 3 is really half of 8 reflected on itself, but is somehow less in value. Three might be a magic number, but ask H.G. Wells and he'll tell you it stands for all things unnatural. The reason he made his monsters in War of Worlds have three legs is because he could not think of a worldly creature that didn't have appendages in pairs. The thought of three became outworldly to him. Considering the supernatural mysticism in much of Chirstianity surrounding the trinity archetype, it's not small wonder Three fell down the list. It's not that it's an unattractive number, it's just too freaky most of the time.

8) Nine - Much in the same way Three is a freaky number, Nine (as the sqaure of Three) also holds some pretty creepy qualities. Nine embodies the creepy multiplication table where the first number goes up by one while the second comes down by one. It's also the sum of any number multiplied by it (except 11 and multiples of 11). Just kind of occultish all around. And who could ever forget the lingering strains of The Beatles' White Album with the incessant "number nine" mantra being repeated for minutes on end? It also means NO in German, which has been used to much stereotyping effect in WWII films.

9) Seven - The over emphasis of luck placed on this number has made it fall so far down the list. Mostly evolving from shooting craps, the average pair of dice will hit Seven more than any other number when rolled. But if you've ever played craps, you know that Seven is often the LEAST likely number you want to come up. Especially when your down to your last $5 playing 50 cent craps at the El Cortez, swigging down bad well whisky like it's going out of style and inhaling the smoke of a thousand packs of filterless Pall Malls that are entrenched in every felted surface of the dingy casino floor... Oh yeah... I am LOVING when a Seven comes then!

10) Four - The reasons to love and hate Four are numerous and often inter-related. The four beat has given us some of the most beloved songs in popular music. The four beat is, however, also responsible for almost every horrible song in pop music as well. The 4X4 truck is a useful tool to help people get in and around off-road trails and natural formations. 4X4s are also the biggest eyesores on the road. How many people who own a 4X4 have NEVER gone off the road with it and only use it for carriage above a beyond a normal car or van maybe once a year? Calling someone Four eyes is just mean, and as cool as people think "Four score and seven years ago..." sounded, why didn't Honest Abe just give it up for the 87? Was he tryin' to be cool or somethin'? Four is just a bore.

I'm lucky I didn't go to Eleven, because 11 is one messed up number. Remember what it does to Nines? There are Two number Ones, which should mean Two, but actually mean way more... I don't even wanna get into it. Trust me. Stay away from Eleven good readers.

lovehate: Five Canadian Things To Be Thankful For

I get that Thanksgiving, for whatever reason, is anticipated annually because of a day off, a celebratory meal and often hours spent wasted watching bad football games. While I don't think I have a real appreciation for the traditional/historical aspects of Thanksgiving that are supposed to inspire me, I am certainly not above giving thanks to all the people, places and things that help make my life better every day.

But as the holiday has essentially become nationalized, I hope to share with you some oft-ignored Canadiana that everyone, worldwide, should be thankful for.

1. Eh?

Laugh heartily at all of your Canadian friends who are stuck with this speech impediment wherever they travel, but ask yourself isn't this really the height of all courtesy? In Canada we append a simply two letter expression that invites you (the listener) to respond and offer your feedback. If I said "You're an idiot!" You'd probably get all in a huff and storm away because the discussion would be closed. If I said "You're an idiot, eh?", you'd have the opportunity to respond and try to convince me otherwise.

Isn't that what the core essence of learning and discovery is all about? We encourage discussion and dialogue to learn more about each other and the world around us. That we've condensed it down to two letters is spectacular - and so, I give thanks.

2. Maple Syrup

Instead of torturing suspected infidels, we torture trees for their yummy goodness. It's no small wonder the maple leaf is at the center of our flag. Maple tree blood is the lifeforce of this country. What do you get out of beating up a suspect? Maybe some some crying, begging and useless human blood. We've devised a way to take out our agression on plants. We drive taps into trees much the same way one taps a keg of beer and bleed the sucker dry. But don't weep for the tree my friend. It doesn't hurt a bit - at least that's what Marlon Perkins used to tell me on Wild Kingdom. Then we attach a radio transmitter to a branch so we can track its migratory patterns in the wild.

The perfect thing is that all the sap rejuvenates next year. We can tap dat all over again yo! Be thankful that instead of taking out our aggression on you, we only take it out on the trees. Oh... and baby seals; they have the black eyes of ruthless killers.

3. Cold

We've invented a whole bunch of useful stuff that people around the world use every day. I believe that the motivation to create so much stuff is not necessarily due to the fact that Canadians are particularly brilliant, but more that they have a bunch of time every winter sitting around the homestead with nothing better to do. Such motivation has caused to create ways to get around in the cold, keep warm in the cold, be productive in the cold, and communicate over long distances because we aren't coming outside.

Allow me to illustrate with following Canadian inventions:

AC radio tube, basketball, chocolate bar, commercial motion picture, compound steam engine, electric car heater, electric cooking range, electric light bulb (patent sold to Thomas Edison), electric organ, electric street car, electron Microscope, frozen food, hydrofoil boats, insulin Process, kayak, kerosene, lacrosse, lawn sprinkler, Macpherson gas mask, Mcintosh apple, newsprint, odometer, oil-electric locomotive, paint roller, panoramic picture camera, phonograph/gramophone, railway car break, ship propeller, snow blower, snowmobile, snow shoes, sonar, standard time, table top hockey game, telephone, telephone handset, television, television camera, toboggan, tracer bullets, washing machine, wireless radio, zipper.

Hard to survive Thunder Bay, Flin Flon, or Inuvik without a zipper.

4. Butter Tarts

Oh sure, if any of you have visited Canada you know that Tim Horton's Donuts outnumber churches and schools in most communities. You also know that we often try to give ourselves coronaries by jacking ourselves up on caffeine while pounding down a couple of crullers full of saturated fats. But perhaps the most unblanching admission of our desire to slowly kill ourselves is the butter tart.

There is no way ANYONE could believe that something named the "butter tart" was in anyway, good, nutritious or healthy for you. With an ingredient list that includes a crust made of flour, icing sugar, shortening, and eggs, and a filling made of corn syrup, brown sugar, butter, eggs, vanilla extract and raisins, these snacks are sinfully good. They also cause my heart to cry a little bit every time I eat one. You can keep you baked goods with "fancy" filling like fruit and such. I would prefer not to disguise such healthy alternatives in a flaky crust.

5. Simplicity

If a colour couldn't be reproduced using a 12 pack of Laurentian pencil crayons, then it should never have existed in the first place. These were the colours that I lived with from grade one up to grade nine. This was the palette I was restricted to upon drawing my first primary school scribbles of my family and home, all the way up to grade nine geography class which was, conveniently enough, Geography of Canada. I always maintained that one should be able to pass any grade nine geography course by following two basic mapping tenets: Water is blue. Land isn't.

The Laurentian palette became the best friend of all students when trying filling up pencil cases on Labour Day for the year ahead. The rainbow ran as follows: 1. Deep Yellow, 2. Sarasota Orange, 3. Poppy Red, 4. Cerise, 5. Purple, 6. Navy Blue, 7. Peacock Blue, 8. Emerald Green, 9. Deep Chrome Green, 10. Photo Brown, 11. Chestnut Brown, 12. Midnight Black.

I know it may sound stifling for a youngster to be restricted to 12 colours when trying to express their artistic visions, but let me tell something. There was only one real test of any colour palette in a Canadian school. Could one draw every single NHL logo using the colours at hand. If the answer was yes, the palette was sound. Laurentian never went down the road of the Crayola "Flesh" colour fiasco. Instead it unified, democratized and turned us all into metacritics of logo design. Thanks Laurentian.

So there it is, my Canadian Thanksgiving list. If you've never heard of these things before, then get to know your friends at the top of North America. You can't have North America without the Great White North. Failing that, take off you hosers.

thinglets: The Panasonic Toot-a-Loop

via farm1.static.flickr.com

Sorry folks, but I've been in a nostalgic mood recently and, whilst browsing around for some of the toys of childhood a few days back, I happened upon this ad. I owned one of these as a kid. I loved this thing. There was a simplicity and elegance of design that would not be out of place today. Sure, a simple radio wouldn't need to be this size any more, but if you think it looks horribly out of place in the 21st century, how different does it look from a plethora of iPod docks at your local Best Buy? I bet you can envision a dock in the middle.