On the Olympics, daytime television schadenfreude, Krinkles the F'ed Up Clown, printing a spleen and a satirical condemnation of ACTA.
The Home Fix Shows - Let's everyone celebrate the fact that people have been ripped off by contractors and have colonies of mold growing in their walls. We can all breathe a sigh of relief that we're not smart enough to find the mold in our houses.
The White Trash Extravaganza - For the Jerry Springer, Steve Wilkos crowd, it doesn't matter what the topic is, these shows make Jeff Foxworthy look like Alec Guinness.
The Youth Empowerment Hour - Tyra splays out a bunch vulnerable young folk who have no idea what they're doing, thus making us feel better by their self-esteem crashes.
The Healing Hour - Oprah and Dr. Phil and their crack psych teams lay out a buffet of all the world's problems that everyone faces on a daily basis to such an exponential level of drama that everyone viewer must feel completely validated in their regular work-a-day problems and empowered enough to go out and by Oprah's Book Club titles about other people who are messed up.
Soap Operas - 'nuff said.
Cable Reality Shows which are often syndicated in marathons all day (let's run the list)
Intervention's extremist cases that make the average viewer think "at least I'm not as bad as that guy".
B, C, and D-List Celebrities like Hulk Hogan, Gene Simmons, Kathy Griffin and Ozzy Osbourne get to show us how f'ed up their lives are - gee celebrities are people too... and pretty messed up at that.
And without beating a dead horse, how about Jon and Kate Plus 8, Dog The Bounty Hunter, For The Love of Ray J, Real Housewives of Schadenfreude USA, Dr. Drew... whew! I haven't even scratched the surface. But after a Family Day of flipping past many of these Downerfests, I wish I could say I feel better about myself, but then I realize that my life was reduced to watching these losers... which makes me?
Over the past week I've been subjected to a torrent of children's programming on television. We're not talking after school specials here. I'm talking good ol' repeat a word or phrase 8000 times until we've brainwashed the yard ape fare. And while I can't say the experience was thrilling, it did galvanize into one stirring nugget that I'd like to assert presently:
The Wonder Pets pre-school serial operetta is an obvious inspiration for James Cameron's final cut of Avatar. I'm not saying one has to love Wonder Pets to appreciate this conspiracy (although the premiere episode where they save a baby chimp in outer space is perhaps one of the most surreal television experiences I have ever had).
And sure, there are always going to be subtle differences, but hear me out Cameronites.
- Avatar has a core team of three scientists working as an offshoot group in a human military/industrial complex on the moon Pandora in order to study and save the Na'vi natives. Wonder Pets has three pets that live in a schoolhouse and, during off-hours, they assume alter-egos to save baby animals around the world and in outer space.
- Avatar has the brainy leader (Sigourney Weaver), the bold over-confident warrior (Sam Worthington) who tries to save the Na'vi alone at first, and the caring, but overmatched (Joel Moore). Wonder Pets have the brainy guinea pig leader (Linny), the bold over-confident duckling (Ming Ming) who often tries to save the babies herself, and the caring, observant turtle (Tuck).
- The Avatar scientists have to adapt to harsh and unknown alien environments to help the Na'vi survive. Wonder Pets adapt to jungles, tundra, ice floes, oceans, and outer space to help the baby animals survive.
- Avatar scientists sync into an Na'vi genetic "host" to get the job done; the name for these hosts are Avatars. The alter-ego inspires the title of the film. Wonder Pets transform from school animals to Wonder Pets by jumping into costumes which makes them Wonder Pets - inspiring the title of the show.
- The Avatars fly around on dragon-like creatures. The Wonder Pets fly around on the Flyboat.
- Avatar's animation was based on rendering of live actors combined with CG environments. Wonder Pets uses photo-puppetry, allowing animators to use photos of live animals combined with drawn objects.
- Avatar used an orchestra for a complex musical score. Wonder Pets uses a 10 piece live orchestra for every episode.
Oh, I could go on, but I believe it's painfully obvious that Cameron reached into pre-school programming to construct the final cut of Avatar. Cameron was desperate after years of being unable to come up with a follow-up to Titanic. Sure, the PR spin says he's been working on it for ten years, but that's an obvious fallacy.
I know that many of you have become Avatar devotees of late, and I hate to burst your bubble, but the Wonder Pets achieve in 8 minute blocks, what it takes Cameron almost 3 hours to do in Avatar. If Cameron cannot find a way to tell the tale of the Na'vi in 8 minutes with musical numbers, how am I ever supposed to take him seriously (I mean "seewiusly") again? ...if you watch Wonder Pets, you'll get that joke.
And I know you'd think I was pulling your leg here: "It's that crazy lovehatethings guy on about his pop culture bullshit again!" And if you thought that, you'd be right. But who cares? Like 3 hours of Avatar or 8 minutes of Wonder Pets, sit back and enjoy the ride in 2010.
From the quick pace of Rufus to the infectious chorus of Conjunction Junction. From the kickass funky deep groove of Verb and I Got Six to the slow bluesy jam of Naughty Number Nine. Let the grooviness do the talkin'. If you think I missed one, please share in the comments:
1. Rufus Xavier Sarsapirilla2. Conjunction Junction
3. Verb
4. I Got Six
5. Naughty Number Nine
Concerning the candy I grew up with, the poverty others grow up with, the love story I told with one letter, and how watching TV doesn't have to come with shame.
Whether its called a time suck, a time killer, or a time waster, people are accused of occupying their time with pursuits that are determined by other "industrious" folk as wasteful.
When I was young my time "waster" was the television. But it was never called the television. It was the "boob tube", the "idiot box" or the "great hypnotizer". And I'll be the first to admit that I spent a whole bunch of time watching television as a child (and still do today), but I never felt it as a waste of time. There's something to be said for passively watching television, which in itself is not a bad thing. When you come home from a long day and need to unwind, there's sometimes nothing better than mindless television to allow a form of escapism.
I have also maintained, later in life, that watching television does not always amount to passive absorption. I believe one can pursue a somewhat active viewing of television that doesn't necessarily involve sitting down with a notepad and jotting down cryptic observations or witty rejoinders. The background one has with the medium allows for an certain internal criticism that is at once both cognitive and evaluative. The ability to establish pattern in one's mind to determine potential plot twists, effective use of camera or lighting and the overall conveyance of mise en scene or role is a skill that needs to be exercised by regular exercise. That's right, I said exercise. I'll not presume to assume that whenever someone watches television they're taking the "engagement" of the mind to heart... and they probably shouldn't.
I also remember that, for some reason, the task of reading, which is equally enjoyable, is somehow thought of as a more lofty pursuit than watching television. In fact, I always found it difficult to understand the continuum of what was considered a "waste of time" when consuming media. I'm not quite sure if it remained the same for all parents with their children, or if the general societal understanding matched the prevailing ranking, but it seemed to go like this:
The Time Wasting Media Consumption Continuum (from Worst to Not-so-Worst):
1) Television (or all of its aforementioned monikers)
2) Video Games (although often interchangeable with television)
3) Web (mostly condemned due to misunderstanding)
4) Reading Comics
5) Movies (though defensible due to the social aspect)
6) Reading Magazines
7) Listening to Radio or Music
8) Reading Novels or News
And I know there are neurological studies that show brain patterns flattening out while watching TV compared to reading, but doesn't that depend on who's brain? There's a common approach to literary criticism called, plainly enough, Reader Response Theory that basically weighs the impressions of the reader above and beyond that of the author's original intention. In other words, even if the author tried to present you with an allegory of the Russian Revolution, but to you it was just a violent story of pigs fighting on some sort of Animal Farm, why should your impression hold any less authority than that of the author. In other words, whatever experience I bring to the experience of consuming media, helps to define the work.
The approach doesn't work any less with television or web content. What you bring to the experience helps to define the it. And it can be a learning experience. Every bad television episode or web page you experience provides a semblance of context around which all others will be judged. File this knowledge to provide context and you've just found a way to give purpose to the time wasting. Be an active consumer of media and you'll always have an excuse whenever someone tells you to "stop wasting time". Of course it's still hard to defend playing Bejeweled on Facebook at work, or defending any "unproductive" activity at work for that matter... but at least you can adopt an educated aire while doing so.
via youtube.com
If, even back in cheesy TV days of 1981, I pitched a made-for-TV movie to you that read as follows, how much money would you sink into it?
"The famous Harlem Globetrotters crash land on Gilligan's Island, immediately dispatching a terrifying 'shark' by throwing basketballs at it. A mad doctor and his accomplice plan to take over the island for its rich energy supply by scaring off Gilligan and his buddies, but it soon settles to a basketball match between the doctor's robots and the aforementioned Globetrotters." (via imdb.com)
In addition to this ridiculous plotline, the film would have a new actress playing Ginger, star Martin Landau, Stu Nahan, Chick Hearn, and Scatman Crothers.
After waking up from your incredulous fainting spell and screaming: NO ONE WOULD EVER MAKE THIS FILM!, watch the clip above.
You now have a new term of reference for "The New Invincibles".
via news.cnet.com
Through CNET's Crave, and several conventions over the past year or so, has GestureTek use-the-force hand-waving television remote come to the fore. And I cannot think of a more ridiculous idea.
Oh sure, the technology is cool, but do I really want to sit in my basement waving my arms around like I'm guiding a plane down the tarmac at LaGuardia? The traditional television remote control has reduced my inaction down to the most minimal press of my thumb. Why do I want to engage in a Karate Kid exercise every time I want to interact with my tuner?
I've got a gesture for the workmongers at GestureTek, and it involves quickly inverting an avian creature with my middle finger. I'll stick with my thumb press thanks.