With the remake of The Karate Kid - or as I understand, The Kung Fu Kid - in theaters right now, I continue my nostalgic cringe at the Hollywood drive away from original screenplays.
Even though I have no interest whatsoever in seeing cheesy remakes of cheesy films. Here are ten films that would seem to make complete sense to me if everything is fair game.
From 1980, Caddyshack with Justin Beiber playing the lead role, Will Ferrell playing himself as Bill Murray's groundskeeper character. David Spade doing Chevy Chase, and the corpses of Ted Knight and Rodney Dangerfield reprising their roles, because you just can't mess with chemistry like that.
From 1981, Das Boot: The Next Generation with Shia LeBeouf, McLovin, and Jesse Eisenberg playing descendants of the original German submariners who, for a grad school project, try to find the rusted hulk of a German submarine in the St. Lawrence Seaway with a laser pointer and a metal detector.
From 1982, Vlad Ghandi with Robert Pattinson as the vampire pacifist who tries to peacefully protest the British Petroleum oil spill in Louisiana until his pet pelican dies in the oil and Vlad Ghandi goes on a terror spree of vengeance.
From 1983, Scarface: Senior Year with Freddie Prinze Jr playing a 30 year old who tries to corner the drug market in a Miami high school after having to return when it's discovered he doesn't have a diploma while working as a bio-chemist.
From 1984, Rock Me Amadeus with Jack Black as Amadeus Smith, a guitar virtuoso whose talent infuriates his main competitor, Tommy Salieri played by Benicio Del Toro.
From 1985, The Lunch Club with the full cast of The Breakfast Club reprising their roles as a group of B-list celebrities who get signed to a Big Brother-like show where they have to write the best letter each week to not get kicked out of the club.
From 1986, Stand By Me Or Else - Christopher Walken, Gary Busey, Steve Buscemi and Corey Feldman get locked in a room with a dead body and spend 4 hours of film time trying to convince each other that they committed the murder.
From 1987, Dirty Fencing - Matt Damon and Ben Affleck start an erotic relationship while working as fencing instructors at a lodge in the Catskills that culminates with a fencing exhibition montage to some song by Bill Medley.
From 1988, Rain Man 2: Charlie's Revenge starring Tom Cruise who reprises his role as Charlie Babbitt. After suffering a brain injury, Charlie finds himself unable to remember anything but lines from Tom Cruise films. Ellen Page stars as his daughter who must coax her dad into remembering the VIN number of a 1978 Chevy Van that contains millions of dollars in hidden Blackjack winnings.
From 1989, Field of Screams has Kevin Costner reprising his role where once again there is rustling in the corn, but this time it's the zombie undead players of the 1889 Toledo Black Pirates lead by Johnny Depp as Center Fielder Joe Quest who can only be stopped by knocking his head off with the bat he hit his last home run with and James Earl Jones as the voice of Darth Vader.
