thinglets: 7 Minute Horror Film

Short and creepy (in a good way) Norwegian horror film that melds elements of one's worst fears on a service like Chatroulette (minus genitalia). I'm almost at the point where I think film festivals should have a crowdsourced night where everyone picks their favourite 10 minute or shorter film to screen and no one knows what the content will be beforehand. In building up these continued testaments to independent, and sometimes individual, filmmakers, there is a seeming middle finger popped to Hollywood.

Congrats to the creators of this work. Films can be like songs: enjoyed over a short time and repeatedly.

thinglets: Another "I Can't Believe I Saw It In A Theater" Movie

Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn is an absolutely horrid science-fiction film that is a disservice to the genre. To top the fact that I've "seen" the film, I saw it the premiere in a theater in my hometown of Hamilton, Ontario. Other than the novelty of getting 3D glasses and a magic-motion sticker on the way, there was little to save this 1983 effort. Believe it or not, this is the plot summary and probably the pitch that was given to sell producers on the concept:

A seeker named Dogen rescues Dhyana after her father is murdered by the evil Jared-Syn. To avenge her father's death, Dogen must find Jared-Syn's hideout in the mysterious "Lost City", but the only person who knows where it is an aging, burned-out seeker named Rhodes. Along the way, they will need to do battle against the hunter Baal and his Cyclopean minions for engaging Jared-Syn in a final encounter.

With soap opera regular Jeffrey Byron in the lead role, it seems that most of the Hollywood establishment found a way to avoid this stinker. Even Kelly Preston's second film role couldn't save this. Richard Moll (aka Bull from Night Court) rounds off the "star power" in this one. Being 15 when this piece of crap came out, I was savvy enough to know how crappy it was, and have used it as a pop culture reference to illuminate all that's wrong with 80's sci-fi film since then.

thinglets: The "I Can't Believe I Saw It In A Theater" Movie

The Fish That Saved PIttsburgh is one of the worst films I've ever seen in my life. To top the fact that I've "seen" the film, I saw it during its opening (and only) week in a theater in my hometown of Hamilton, Ontario. Believe it or not, this is the plot summary and probably the pitch that was given to sell producers on the concept:

The Pittsburgh Pythons are the worst team in the NBA. Most of the players think the reason why they are in the cellar is because Moses Guthrie who they feel is monopolizing the spotlight. So when they walk out, the towel boy, Tyronne decides to consult with an astrologist, Mona. They in turn decide to hold open tryouts and they only select players who are born under the same zodiac sign as Guthrie, Pisces. And what they get are some weirdos but they play together, they are phenomenal. When they start winning the owner decides to rename the team the Pisces.

Dr. J (Julius Erving), Meadowlark Lemon, and Jonathan Winters couldn't save this brick, nor could Flip Wilson's final film performance. This film is almost [and I emphasize ALMOST] so bad it's worth watching. If you're very bored, very lonely, or very high, maybe you could get more enjoyment out of this than I did as an 11 year old.

thinglets: Filming of a Ghost

A fantastic two minutes of film called Ghost by Marco Brambilla that is supposed to represent "än investigation into the obsessive behavior of the public eye and it's lingering effects on those chased and caught by it."

I'll leave to you as to whether it succeeds on that score, but I will say that the result is gripping, stylish, and tragic in 120 seconds. Another great find at Vimeo - much more pleasurable to wade through than YouTube.

thinglets: Stop (Time) Motion (Lapse)

Since I was a kid, I always thought timelapse and stop motion videos were cool. I'll never forget, a bit older, seeing "The Grid" section of the film Koyaanisqatsi for the first time and being blown away by a 24 hour cycle in 10 minutes with the magical repetition of Philip Glass behind it.

Vimeo has an entire section of these types of videos and I encourage you to check some of them out. Here are a few of my favourites upon a very short scan of a scant few of over 500 pages in this category alone:

thinglets: I will not see any summer movie that...

With the myriad of films released each summer, it takes a discerning formula to parse out the titles I will NEVER see from the ones that I might. As such, I offer up a filtering system to reduce your summer wallet suck to a minimum.

I will not see any summer movie that...

  1. Has Adam Sandler, Will Ferrell, or Jack Black.
  2. Has Sara Jessica Parker, Renee Zellweger.
  3. Has people wearing leather armour, chaps, or quivers.
  4. Has the word Fockers, Karate, or MacGruber in it.
  5. Has candy-ass sparkle vampires.
  6. Has the words Nightmare, Elm, and Street.
  7. Is an animated film featuring a green ogre, an over-sized dog, step-dancing or cheerleading.
  8. Has a title beginning with "Legend of the Guardians" or ending with "The Owls of Ga'Hoole".
  9. Has 3D in the title.
  10. Is a sequel, remake, re-imagining, has a "Part" or colon in the title.

Wow... guess I just saved ALL my money this summer.