thinglets: 10 Things I Learned Watching The Vancouver Winter Olympic Opening Ceremonies

1) If you're the sole athlete from a small country, your event will be Alpine Skiing. Further, if your surname doesn't match with the primary language of the country you're representing, you probably couldn't cut it in your home country and moved somewhere where you could qualify.

2) It's amazing what one can do with sheets and lights these days.

3) I understand that a "copyright" name conflict exists for "The Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia" that entails their absurdly long moniker, but isn't Macedonia 2.0 an option?

4) If four Vancouverites tell you they're going to show up to a Cauldron Lighting, only three will show up; the other will already be "lit" somewhere.

5) I don't miss Bryan Adams... at all, and call me anything but a Maritimer, but I just don't get the Fiddle Punk thing.

6) The First Nation's groups in BC can keep up that Potlatch Groove for a long time.

7) Gretzky never carried anything so long without passing it.

8) It's amazing what you can get out of 50,000 dollar store rain slickers and flashlights - it's like a Chinese factory exploded.

9) The Na'vi don't participate in the Winter Olympics.

10) Wacky Wailing Inflatable Light Bear and the Space Canoe needs to be made into a feature film.

lovehate: Google Buzz... Now With Twice The Caffeine!

Is it just me or has Google really come up short in calling its latest endeavour "Buzz"?

Sounding more like something you'd mix with Vodka at a party than a segue into microblogging, Google has not only pursued an exercise in redundancy by ripping off the brand of a years' old Yahoo service, but they've reminded me of the evil sound my clock radio makes every morning.

Is it just me, or does someone wish that Google would just prefix "G" onto everything ala Apple's "I" moniker. We could call it Gstatus or Gstate. Isn't that infinitely cooler? The question by your update window could ask "What kind of Gstate are you in?" Instead, I'm expected to revisit Andrew Lloyd Webber and Tim Rice by answering "What's the Buzz, tell me what's a-happening?"

You know, I don't throw the word "stupid" around too often, mostly because it's an unimaginative insult that begs for a more creative insult. And so, in considering the best descriptor for Google Buzz, I considered the words uninspired, doltish, inane, puerile, or witless. And the reason I settled on stupid, is because I figured it appropriate to just follow your model and go with the first crass idea that came to head: stupid.

Come on Google. You're more creative than that. I love your products and your flair for the dramatic with brands like: "Gmail, Maps, Videos, News, Books, Docs, Reader... hang on a sec! Other than Wave, Buzz is about the most creative name you've come up with for one of your web services. If this evidence is an indication of what we're to see in the future, can we expect animals, cars, or countries next?

At least I can hope you won't name a service after feminine hygiene product. I mean, I don't know what Google Douche will do to freshen the web, but I imagine it may put some people off.

lovehate: Olympic Mascots

I don't quite know what to say.

The traditional concept of a mascot is to be representative of a team or organization. Above all, there is usually something identifiable. Whether it be an animal or mythological figure or paper clip that invades the top of my screen and asks inane questions whenever I cannot figure out how to execute a rarely used function in MS Word... DAMN YOU CLIPPY!

So then how have the mascot for recent Olympic Games become such twisted anime mutations that they make me question how in the hell a creative team found these creatures acceptable much less endearing. I have not done any research into what the mascots are actually supposed to be, thus giving myself a pure guess at the genesis of the creatures.

Here are my deconstructions of the Vancouver 2010 mascots:

Sumi is some sort of crazy mutant BearOwl wearing a Rollerball helmet with three Antichrist horns. His/Her eyes are set apart so far as to wonder how it sees forward. (Such a design decision is part of all of the 2010 mascots) Sumi also wears some kind of jersey/poncho in a funky Dark Green, Lime Green, Orange combination that is a worse look than the Vancouver Canucks mistaken jersey of the 80s. Overall, Sumi is a butchered bastard child of gene grafting.

I'm guessing Quatchi is a Sasquatch, and considering that the creature I'm most sure of is an urban legend, you can tell how far over the cliff we've gone here. Coming fully-equipped with Sky Blue earmuffs and crazy ink of the Olympic logos, for some reason he/she is also wearing boots which make Quatchi fairly civilized considering the wild origins of such creatures. Badly in need of a haircut, Quatchi also suffers from lack of elbows and bowed arms.

Miga is either a cat, panda or skunk, or all three together. Equipped with a scarf and all dolled-up with rouge, Miga looks like she/he's the one to be caught out on the town with a foreign athlete. Decked out in a green scarf suitable for S&M choke play, Miga looks most probable to win the most outstanding supporting mascot in an anime style. Not sure what the crazy Alfalfa cowlick is supposed to represent, but I'm guessing it comes in useful when the Sumi, Quatchi, Miga three way gets going underneath the bleachers pre-opening ceremonies... all I can say is that, if Miga is walking funny during the torch lighting, my views will be justified.

I think that during the preparation for the next Olympics, the world should demand real mascots that represent actual creatures. Maybe we should bring back Spuds Mackenzie and just have the IOC admit that the entire event is really about shilling products and selling television contracts.

Brought to you by the Official Blog of the Vancouver Games... lovehatethings.com

thinglets: Alternative Superbowl Names So As Not To Get Sued By The NFL

Since the NFL threatens to sue anyone who uses the name "Superbowl" outside of reporting on it as news, I've decided to give some alternate monikers for people looking to spice up their local events or eatery promotions:

The Big Game

The Recroom Drunkfest

The Prop Bet Gambler's Paradise

The Poolie's Delight

The Game That's Rarely Good

The Media Blitz

The Super Bowel

The Hope-I-Die-Before-The-Who-Plays-The... forget it.

The Vegetative State Extravaganza

The Six Hour Build Up To A Coin Flip

The Excuse to Party

The Not-Good-Enough-Of-A-Reason-To-Bump-The-Simpsons Bowl

The Overpaid Immature Mutant Game

The Stupidbowl

The Not-Yet-Ready-For-Prime-Time Bowl

The I-Waited-Two-Weeks-For-This? Bowl

The CarQuest International House of Pancakes Geico Bowl

The Beer Commercial Bowl

The Oh-Look-There's-Counter-Programming-Figure-Skating-On Bowl

The Smoka Bowl

The I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Better Bowl

The Hey-Look-At-That-Commercial-While-I-Steal-The-Last-Piece-Of-Pizza Bowl

The Are-Those-Really-Bits-and-Bites-I-Haven't-Seen-Those-For-Years Bowl

The Bathroom-Is-Off-Limits-For-10-Minutes Bowl

The I'll-Cheer-For-The-Opposite-Team-Of-Everyone-Else-In-The-Room-To-Be-Different-And-Controversial Bowl

The Why-Do-I-Have-To-Watch-Promos-For-Canadian-TV-Shows-And-Miss-The-Commercial-Memes-That-Will-Be-The-Talk-Of-The-Internet-For-The-Next-24-Hours-Thanks-To-The-CRTC Bowl

thinglets: So You Want Me To Watch The Winter Olympics?

If you want me to watch the Winter Olympics (other than hockey that is), the IOC [International Olympic Corruptco] needs to revamp some of the events to make them more interesting to me. I know that some may argue my modifications may be "guy" things, but ultimately I just need to know there's a reason why I shouldn't be watching reruns of governments committee debates instead.

If I'm gonna watch your Olympic thingy, please tag on the following changes:

Ski Jumping... over fire.

Downhill Skiing... in front of an avalanche.

Ice Hockey...okay! You can leave this one alone.

Speed Skating... full contact.

Biathlon... targets include other racers.

Freestyle Skiing... nude.

Luge... with random, intermittent obstacles.

Figure Skating... with trap doors leading to lion pits.

Curling... exploding rocks.

Snowboard...all at the same time.

Cross Country Skiing... across the Biathlon track.

Skeleton... without helmets.

Bobsleigh... rocket powered.

Nordic Combined... naked with Barry White music playing.

 

thinglets: Is it better...?

Is it better to do more with less than less with more?

Is it better to eat less of a good thing than more of a bad thing?

Is it better to watch 3 hours of okay television or 15 minutes of great television?

Is it better to write a film sequel that makes hundreds of millions of dollars than an indie film that breaks even?

Is it better to have three fast food coffees over the course of a day or one cup of your favorite Starbucks blend?

Is it better to have an affordable vehicle that you can use all the time or a sports car that you're afraid to drive in bad weather?

Is it better to believe in your god, your country, your family or yourself?

Is it better to have copyright laws that cover intellectual property for eternity or none at all?

Is it better, on a deserted island, to have the entire Nickelback discography or one song you love?

Is it better to have one slice of great pizza, three slices of good pizza, or five slices of crappy pizza?

Is it better to pack thousands of inferior sounding music on your portable player than less songs is higher quality?

Is it better to read a brilliant two line poem or a pretty good novel?

Is it better to DVR, download, wait to buy the DVD, or give up if you've missed your favorite TV show?

Is it better for your hot dog with the works to be without ketchup, mustard, or relish?

Is it better to drink warm good beer than cold bad beer?

Is it better to have a glass of good wine or a bottle of bad wine?

Is it better to be a late adopter of technology at the risk of being uncool or an early adopter of technology at the risk of being broke?

Is it better to have the chocolate 1/3 of the Neapolitan ice cream or the Strawberry and Vanilla 2/3?

Is it better to have 4 second floor toast (butter down) than no toast at all?

Is it better to type five pages or write one?

Is it better to know every lyric to 70's music or 80's music?

Is it better to remember the past with reverence or caution?

Is it better to wish success for your friends or wish success for yourself?

Is it better to know what's better in advance, or discover what's better along the way?

Is it better to not even consider better and go forward full bore, or consider what's better before choosing?

thinglets: Hamilton Senior Captured By US Homeland Security

Here's an example out of the US that is a prime example of why the legal system there is so messed up. A woman from my hometown of Hamilton, Ontario has been detained by US border guards:

Hamilton woman, 74, arrested at border on decades-old drug charge

The Canadian Press 

TORONTO; U.S. Customs and Border Protection says a 74-year-old Hamilton woman has been arrested on a drug warrant issued nearly 30 years ago in New York. 

CBP says officers arrested Homenella Cole on Tuesday as she arrived at the Lewiston-Queenston border crossing in Lewiston, N.Y. 

Officials say Cole was at the bridge to apply for a criminal waiver that would allow her to enter the U.S. as a visitor. 

A warrant was issued on April 1, 1980, by the New York City Police Department charging Cole with possession with the intent to distribute marijuana. 

Cole was arrested on the outstanding warrant and is in the custody of the New York State Police pending extradition to New York City.

Beyond your personal beliefs on marijuana, and beyond your beliefs on whether age should have played a part in pardoning this woman, how can a country in deficit justify paying the cost of a) incarcerating this woman, b) providing transportation to New York City, c) providing a public defender, d) holding a trial on a 30 year old charge of possession with intent?

This is so messed up. I can only guess that a government that is so pre-occupied with prosecuting international terrorists will certainly publish a banner headline about their capture and lockup of this international "terrorist". You know she was up to causing trouble as she promptly reported to immigration, without trying to sneak across, and apply for a pardon.

"How many condemnations I have witnessed more criminal than the crime!" - Michel de Montaigne 

Podcast 123 - What's So Funny About Grease, Blood, and Countermanding?

Perpetuating new levels of idiocy in ranting about "Tasting the Awesome", being duped by "Officiality", renaming the "iPad" into something more realistic, and how James Earl Jones scared the shit out of me as a child, long before he was ever the voice of Vader.

Plus this is episode 123, which carries the numerological value of 6, which is the number Patrick McGoohan's character was in the Prisoner when he heard "I am Number Two", and he asked "Who is Number One"... I am sooo tasting the awesome right now.